My first true, pure love

A couple of months ago, I wrote about my love rules and exes; the difficulties that arise around relationships due to religion and my parents; how I don't even bother trying to date (let alone getting in a relationship), even if I have a crush on someone, because of my supposed impossibly high standards and endless checklist of traits; how I had only recently learned what -platonic- love is; and that I did actually find a guy that, minus a few things, lived up to all those standards and checked everything off my list, that I decided to take a chance with and that I was falling head over heels for.

Well... It ended. It was a long distance relationship that lasted about five months. Saturday 12 January we met. Tuesday 22 January I confessed my feelings for him. Saturday 6 April we saw each other again for the first time and had a perfect, magical night. Thursday 23 May we had an entire day together and even got to perform together, it was absolutely great. He said it was perfect.

We didn't see each other much, but we talked almost every day. I never had butterflies, but I was crazy about him and never stopped thinking about him. I pondered whether I loved this guy; if I should take a chance and tell my parents; wondered if I could go against my religion for him, or if I should avoid that thought until it was absolutely necessary to think about, because I knew it's something I can't do, and it'd come down to breaking up with him and I didn't want to break his heart (or my own).
It was different for him. On his side of the screen, the butterflies stopped and simply knowing I cared for him wasn't enough. I don't say that with any resentment; I understand that it's hard to be in a relationship with barely any physical contact; not even eye contact! After all, I had to go through it too, and I'd prefer it otherwise too!

At some point he started talking to me less and less, but I figured he was just busy with his projects and friends, and that he wanted to talk to me just as badly, but he just didn't have the time. Around Monday 3 June I noticed he wasn't just barely talking to me anymore, but he became was distant, curt ánd unaffectionate too.

Around Tuesday 11 June I decided I'd stop talking to him too, because I wasn't going to send him miles of text and put in so much effort while he did none. A week and a half of silence followed and I pretty much figured it wasn't going to work out. In this time, I prepared to detach myself from him, tried to end/shut off my feelings for him, and got used to the idea of just being friends, while I hoped I wouldn't have to like that. I was hurt and angry and wondered why he wouldn't talk to me, why he didn't even ask or wonder why I wasn't talking to him, why he didn't miss me, if I should ask him "Should I just assume this relationship degraded back to friend-status?".

I had to hear it from him to be sure, so Friday 21 June after the agonizing, too long lasting one-and-a-half week of silence, I asked him what was going on and he let the cat out of the bag. He told me how he felt; about the butterflies and the distance; about us not seeing each other often enough; him not being happy (in general); not really being ready to be in a real, serious relationship; not knowing what he wants from a relationship; not knowing what a relationship is really supposed to be like, what he's supposed to do and stuff; that he knows relationships change people and that he likes the way he is right now; and that he thought it might be best if we'd go on as friends.

I handled it very well: I was calm, rational and understanding, I didn't make a scene, I was honest about how I felt (okay, but a little heartbroken; I still had a lot of feelings for him, even though I knew I wouldn't have gotten past the religion thing and it couldn't work out anyway), I told him that it was okay and I knew it was for the best, and that the last thing I'd want for him was to be unhappy, much less feel trapped in a relationship with me. We talked about it and ended things on good terms. Our last conversation ended on Tues/Wed 25/26 June and I haven't talked to him since.

I wanted to talk about it to my niece; she was there with me when it all went down. The day I met this guy, she also met her boyfriend; the day I only confessed my feelings, they decided to already be official 'boyfriend & girlfriend'; they got engaged pretty fast; and when I had the breakup conversation, I happened to be with her and she invited her fiancée over, pretty much ignored me and didn't talk to me about it at all. By the way, this girl is only two years younger than me and she's like my sister; she and I are so close, have so much history and had me be there for her bad times só many times. What a friend she was to me, aye?!

Tornado
Anyway, I wanted to talk to her about it or to anyone else I was physically with, but I couldn't. I couldn't get a word out of my throat without trouble. I would've choked up or cried. And I don't cry in front of people, especially not about boys! Or I would have been incomprehensible, because there was too I wanted to say, too much going on in my head. I couldn't stop thinking. I could only stare out in front of me and let a million thoughts consume me. They went though my head, all at the same time, crossing each other and each one trying to be louder than the next. As if I was sitting, paralyzed, I didn't feel any lighter or heavier, relieved or full, better or worse. I didn't feel lost, but I didn't know exactly what to do then either. I felt like I had eaten just enough: I didn't need anything, I didn't want to do anything, I didn't want to think or nothing. But I did think. I couldn't stop thinking, because I sat, paralyzed in the eye of a tornado made up of loud ghosts, all trying to grab me and drag me along.

Ghosts
They all looked the same, but some were ghosts of the past, trying to cling on to the relationship.
I had the near-perfect guy for me... and I lost him?! How can I ever possibly stop thinking about this? How will I ever stop missing this great guy? This one person I finally found that really understood me, that I shared so much fun with?
And some were trying to deny it, making the breakup feel surreal to me. I saw it coming for weeks beforehand, I already detached myself from him; I know it's over, I understand it, I realize it... but it doesn't feel like it's over or like we we're apart. How could it be? We're so perfect for each other! It's illogical for us not to be together! We're so deeply connected, we sensed each other! We understand each other! It just makes no sense.
Others were hopeful, in a hopeless way. It's okay. He needs his time and his space, it's all good. Maybe some day we'll be together again. When he's grown and knows what he wants, he'll realize it's me. Maybe we'll end up living closer together and it wíll work out. Or we'll have changed our minds in a way that we will be spiritually compatible! It's all possible of course, but it's only wishful thinking. I shouldn't hold on to him based on maybe's and what if's and some day's.

Spirits
I had mood swings every few minutes and I'm not even kidding, but the emotional roller coaster remained surprisingly high and optimistic overall. The thoughts were insanity inducing, but I never felt like things were completely hopeless and depressing, because luckily, there weren't only ghosts, but also spirits.
The spirits stayed close to me and kept trying to grab me as well, but instead of filling my head with thoughts, they tried to bring me peace of mind by lifting me up, all the way to the top of the tornado and launching me up above it, so that I might see clearly, and be out of reach of the ghosts and maybe get away from them and out of the tornado. It didn't work immediately, but it did work. Twice, I even hit high peaks and felt euphoric for a while. And at those high, intensely happy moments, I understood the very essence of the famous quote "'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." Or in simpler phrasing: I'm happier that it happened, than I am sad that it ended.

Love
You see, I realized... I do love him. Like genuinely, truly, purely love him. Not love in any way I've known before. Loving family is obviously different, I have expectations from them. Friends, I have expectations of too. Boyfriends, as possible life partners, I have the highest standards for and expectations of, and he... he didn't disappoint me at all. Which is a very hard thing to do, since I'm very easily let down and moved on from someone.
I really love him for him; for who he is, as a person. I want the best for him, and for him to be happy, and I would do what I could to make that happen. Not because I want something from him, or because I hope making him happy will make him like me or want to be with me, not because I expect him to love me back, to compliment me, to think highly of me, or to give me presents (?!). I don't expect anything or want anything back from him, I don't even need him to be in my life, if he doesn't want that. It doesn't mean that if he's happy, I'm happy; but if he's unhappy, it does make me unhappy as well.

Tears
If he hadn't broken up with me, ironically, I wouldn't have known that I truly wish the best for him, even if it hurts me. Because it did. And you know what? I did cry. Hard. And not just once either. I actually sobbed; bawled my eyes out over a guy. Several times. Let me recap that: I have cried my eyes dry, over. A. Guy. Repeatedly. Not in front of anyone, but still, can you believe that? That's not like me! And what's even more unbelievable, is that it's okay. It is. I don't feel bad about it. About any of it. I have no regrets, because he was worth my tears and everything else. He is not without flaws, but he's definitely exceptional.
And had we not been together and now apart, I would not have known that I love him or even that I have it in me to love... in such a pure way. I truly didn't know if I could love and I have doubted myself on that subject many times. It feels good. And I'm glad that I love him the way I do, because if I didn't, I don't know if I had been able to let go of him (irony is very present in my life). It made me feel so... unselfish, rational, loving... healthy. And stable. It was very refreshing for me to feel that way.

Confusion

The spirits also helped me see that there were so many good firsts! The first time I didn't settle for a crush, but waited for someone who was a genuinely nice and good great guy; someone I really clicked and sparked with; a guy I made a great match with; someone worth falling in love with and cracking my heart open for. The first time I felt sexually attracted to a guy (asexual; more about that some other time). My first love. The first time I didn't do the breaking up. The first time I can actually remain friends with my ex. The first time I really felt feelings like this at a break up. The first time I cried like that over a guy. 
But then a ghost grabbed me, I was being pulled between the two. It only confused me. This was my first love and it was over! Shouldn't I be more torn? I am torn! It sucks that it's over! But it had to end sometime anyway, right? This is love, I'm allowed to not be rational and feel like crap! But I can't be irrational! I hate when I am and nothing good ever comes of it; it only causes internal turmoil and chaos!

How was I going to survive this torture my very own mind was making me go through? I just wanted time to either stand still or speed up; anything that would just get rid of the agony! I didn't know what to do with myself, the inner conflict was so confusing. Feeling like you're still attached to someone when you aren't and not knowing how to let go, while at the same time constantly knowing and reminding yourself that it's not so bad; it's not the end of the world; there's someone perfect for me out there, this guy's only near-perfect; I shouldn't settle, because that would be untrue to my wants and needs ánd keep him from finding his perfect soul mate too! It was a classic case of heart vs. brain. Knowing and understanding that something is for the best, and even accepting it, doesn't mean that you'll feel fine and happy about it. Not immediately anyway.

Forever
I know I'll be fine. The breakup wasn't too long ago, and no day has passed without me thinking about him yet, but he hasn't been my main thought in a while now. Even now, as I write this, I think about the relationship, but not actively about him. I know that he's secured a place in my heart for sure, and it makes me wonder if all the feelings will come bubbling back up when I meet him or talk to him again, or if I will ever be able to really, completely move on. Let's just say I'll never get over him! And deem it true, because the moment I move on, a new forever starts. One thing's for sure though: he has set the bar very high for other guys, and it'll be incredibly hard to find someone that holds a candle to him.

But to give this post a positive, sweet closure, I'll say this:

The relationship started with great passion and magic, it ran its course without a single fight, and then it ended at a good time and on good terms.

Facebook: I don't care about your life

I've felt like deleting my Facebook for over a year now, because 99% of what I say, do, share and read on there is a worthless waste of time. But I keep it because it's convenient. The chat is the main way I keep in contact with a few important people, its groups are easy for school and other things I keep myself busy with (such as writing and gaming for example), and I simply don't have that kind of network on LinkedIn.

But actually, I want to forget about almost all of the people I know or have on there. They have so little to contribute and bring so much bullshit to the table. I don't want to think about what they could mean to me and my goals, because of their network and connections and people they know. I'll like your anecdote or the picture of you getting your diploma, but really... what difference does that make in my life? Thanks for the laugh and good for you and all that, but it's not like I'm hating on you or jealous or resentful if I don't like it. But also, what does it matter to you? If five people like it or fifty or five hundred, the people that really matter aren't going to love you or be proud of you any more or less because of it. It's nice that people can stand you, or like you, or think you're funny, or hot, but what does popularity matter? It's not going to make you a better person. It's only useful when you're actually trying to achieve something.

I stopped accepting people I don't know or don't like. And I try to clean up my friends list every once in a while, but since I started filtering people before accepting them, there aren't many to delete. Still, I don't like having almost 500 friends, so I decided to look at the list in a different way: whose lives are interesting to me and who do I really care about having in my life? It inspired me to write something that I didn't have the balls to post:

Why don't I be honest here, okay? Several, if not all of the following applies to you: I don't talk with you, I don't laugh or have fun with you, something about you annoys me, you don't impress me, you do the opposite of impressing me, you don't inspire me, what happens in your life doesn't really matter to me and most of your opinions probably don't either. 
It's nothing that should bother you; I'm not easily impressed, but I am easy disappointed. There's a handful of people I talk with, laugh/have fun with and care about; a different handful that impress or inspire me; and only very few people overall manage not to disappoint me. I'm probably not in your 1% either and that's fine. 
Why don't I delete you? Because anyone can be useful to me and my goals: because of your events, your connections/network, or just your support (that I now probably lost). Let me put that in nicer words: regardless of who you are, what you do, or what I think of you, you are never useless and I could need you. And aside from that it's because...
~I don't want to hurt your feelings or explain how I feel about you
~you and/or your friends look good and I just like to creep through the pictures; 
~we might hang out again someday like we used to, even though we probably won't; 
~you have a cool talent/skills or do something awesome that I don't mind supporting. 

It just states something we all do and know: we all use each other, even if we don't like each other, because we still need each other. Not many people say it or state it publicly, because it's an inconvenient, ugly truth and that makes people awkward. That makes it impolite and not socially acceptable. Especially if you add that you don't really care about the other party or even find them annoying, because it takes the general selfishness to a personal level and that makes it even more offensive. It will make people feel bad about themselves and about the OP for saying it; will it do anyone any good?

I know I'm selfish: I want people to do for me what I don't really want to do for the majority of them. It bothers me that I have this collection of people that I need, but rarely enjoy talking to or spending time with. I have to tolerate them and occasionally show interest in them for my own sake; for when I stop feeling hateful and feel loving and optimistic again, when I work on my dreams and goals and need them.
Because I will need them. To support me; morally, with words, by cheering, by attending, by purchasing my product, or otherwise. To view and review my work; to find me interesting and to appreciate or critique my work. To help me find a place to live. After all, that is the purpose that social bonds and networks serve.

We all need communities, but I think I really prefer the time of blogs, forums and MSN. On my blog I'll spam whatever I feel like saying, without worrying about likes or comments or whatever anyone else thinks. On forums I'll ask my questions and get my information and summaries and articles and other interesting things for school and for my interests and for whatever else. And on MSN (or Skype or Whatsapp) I'll talk and stay in touch with the important and interesting people.

The only thing Facebook really added, other than networking/people collecting, is easy stalking.