Ik heb het een beetje moeilijk.
Ik weet niet wat ik wil met m'n toekomst, maar om daar naar te kunnen kijken, moet ik eerst focussen op het heden en wie ik NU ben. Daar heb ik geen idee van.
Ik wil heel graag anders zijn dan ik was; eindelijk dat goede, blije persoontje worden naar wie ik streef te zijn. En niet meer de depressieve pessimist.
Daarvoor zou ik met een schone lei moeten beginnen. Dat jullie me practisch pas kennen, komt dus goed uit. Ik moet wel zeggen dat jullie me nu al beter kennen dan een heleboel mensen. En buiten familie ook de enige, geloof ik. Anonieme of kilometers-ver-weg-zijnde internet figuren niet meegeteld. Daar heb ik ook al lang geen contact mee.

Ik zou nu natuurlijk wel kunnen doen alsof ik gewoon ben wie ik ben, maar wie ik was en ben geweest zal altijd wel een deel van me blijven. Voor mij lijkt het dus logische dat ik pas m'n volledige zelf kan zijn, als ik 'accepteer' dat ik ben geweest hoe ik was.
Het klinkt misschien als een hoop overdreven gedoe, maar wie weet werkt het wel. It's worth a shot. En als ik gewoon doe alsof ik er niets mee te verliezen heb, zal ik het misschien nog kunnen vertellen ook. Schamen zal ik me sowieso, maar daar kom ik wel overheen.
Ik zal binnenkort een samenvatting proberen te geven van waar ik me allemaal over heb opgefokt en dat soort dingen. Als dat iemand zou interesseren dan, zoniet dan heb ik het tenminste uit m'n systeem, voor mezelf.

Ik heb een beetje voor mezelf duidelijk gekregen dat het (volgens mij dan) gaat om het verleden af te sluiten, duidelijk krijgen wie en hoe ik ben en een beetje een beeld van m'n toekomst te krijgen. Ik denk dat ik dat ook zo in die volgorde moet doen, ongeveer dan. Ik had wel door dat ik nu toch wel heel erg anders ben, hoewel sommige dingen zich op het moment lijken te herhalen, maar beetje bij beetje ben ik zo erg veranderd dat ik even moet bijmeten hoe anders ik ben en waarin precies.

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M'n leven bestaat nu echt alleen even uit school, schrijven en praten. Wauw. Ik ben echt opnieuw aan het beginnen. Het jaartje geen school is dus best perfect geplanned.

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Op het moment mag ik mezelf echt totaal niet. Ik vind mezelf een irritant, egoïstisch, dom zeikwijf. Misschien wel omdat ik irritant veel loop te zeiken over m'n domme kwaaltjes. Misschien juist door opmerkingen zoals de vorige zin. Ik weet het niet, misschien zit het allemaal wel alleen in m'n hoofd en komt het juist omdat ik tegen mezelf loop te zeuren de hele tijd. Het is gekmakend.
Hoe dan ook, ik moet zeggen dat ik dit wel herken uit een eerdere tijd. Het verschil is dat ik mezelf er toen zowat om ging haten en vast ook in zelfmedelijden ging zwelgen (ja, het was walgelijk). Nu kan ik dat zo veel mogelijk overslaan en gelijk doorgaan naar het deel waar ik er wat aan ga doen.

Mental Dilemma II - Even more Celebral doodookaka

In the previous text I wrote some things about love and friendship. About the wondering whether or not to take the first step in, for example, trust. Opening up is a damned hard thing to do sometimes and it's not nothing of course.

It doesn't take a lot of experience in life to know not everyone can be trusted. Trusting no one isn't the way to go either though. There are always two ways to look at it. Someone can be seen as a naive and dumb or as being courageously open. Someone else can be mysterious and preserved for not letting others in or just plain paranoid.

Ultimatums (usually) don't work. It's all about finding balance, the middle... You've heard it before. This generally goes for everything and also comes naturally to some people and has to actually be taught to others.

Considering some things, it's not easy. Discussable points for examples, because they are, as stated, discussable. The 'what is right and what is wrong?' kind of questions. Yeah, the moral and ethical stuff.
Those matters always depend per situation, considering motives and reasons. But overall you can't really have an honest view or opinion on that, unless you've at least tried to see things from both sides. And being able to see both ways (positive/negative) about both sides (right/wrong) isn't always easy and so, most people don't. If you would, you'd be doubting a lot. I know I do. I wonder a lot.

How can you stand steady, if you don't know why you find what you think? Should you not be considering both sides before being able to decide what is wrong or right? It wouldn't be fair if you didn't. But life isn't fair anyway... If everyone would do this it still wouldn't, because we'd all still have different opinions. And we're entitled to those opinions. Having everyone being able to back up their opinions with arguments, would only lead to incredibly poshed up lawsuits, with little use of lawyers, leading nowhere.

Seeing both sides. People who are trying to help you, but are actually in favor of the other side, always push that. (Bunch of know-it-all's, trying to passively grow their opinion on you.) Guess they're right, but still...

With a religious background, deciding on moral issues can be harder or easier. You can follow and just go with it, embrace the comfort. Or you requestion everything. That's a difficult, time consuming task, considering all the different possible interpretations of religious statements and all those many views that come with that.
Also, the origins of that religious background (parents or caretakers, most likely) and the fact that it probably has been with you since birth, make it all the harder to question. It's a part of you.

Next to the fact that all this is hard enough on its own, something else important plays a big part too: life goes on. It doesn't wait. And every day is weird if you don't have a secure opinion on things. You get new influences all the time, which can sometimes help, but usually only make everything more difficult.



Think, think, think! For your own sake think! But don't think too much, you'll lose yourself. And don't listen to me, think for yourself...

Mental Dilemma I - Philosophical Brain Feces

I feel like I'm not being grateful enough, more selfish and kindof greedy. I don't want to be that...
On the other hand, I've already been in the place of being the supersweet, nice girl. The thing I hated about that, was that everyone got some weak, soft image of me or I felt like I let people walk over me. Which was both wrong.

I like almost everyone at first, after that I either easily dislike them or keep liking them. Loving is hard, but hating is harder. I don't not care. But right now, I feel like I'm giving the impression of a bitch. Maybe I don't give that impression. Maybe it's because inside I really DON'T care, but I do want to. I don't know.

Now, you might say or think that I shouldn't care about what other people think of me. You're not completely wrong. But I SHOULD care about what the people I (want to) care about think of me.
They already care about me for who I am. I should appreciate that and not take that for granted. Not let that go to waste either.
And sure, that's no problem when it comes to just being friends, hanging out, chillin... But it's the hard times that show how real a friendship is. How well do they trust you? Do you trust them? Will you be there for them? And how about even when they're not there for you (first)? Will they always be the one that have to invest in the friendship before you do?
Greed isn't just about money or things. It's about everything, it's about (not) giving and (not) taking.

I once read something along the lines of 'if you truly love someone, even if they don't love you back, they're not worthy of your love'. But that's not how it works, is it? Isn't truly loving someone equal to unconditional love?
Love should be something on its own. It shouldn't be about 'loving someone because...' (fill in the blanks). It should be about loving someone. Period. Sure there are things to like and love about someone, but love for a person should be apart from that. Because people never stay exactly the same, they change. Unconditional love... But that is a pretty high standard, though, isn't it?
Growing apart due to change, is different from not loving someone anymore.

I suppose that's why changing is scary too. It'll result in one of those 'moments of truth': when you see who will actually stand by your side. If people are going to give you a hard time because you're now different than before, how they'll look at you now... (Maybe that's where prejudice and stereotypes come from: family. They're pretty much obligated to spend time with cousins at parties and such, so they're bound to get an impression. That's a whole different topic though.)

Changing should happen naturally and unnoticed. When you do realize it, it best be because you chose to change. Otherwise it will downright freak you out. Whether it's positive of negative won't matter. Going through changes consciously all of a sudden, will make you realize, you're not who you were anymore. Do you control yourself? Is this (still) your life? Are you becoming who you want to be? The changes and decisions already made, were they really yours?

Letting it happen might be the best thing to do, but keeping in mind 'the butterfly effect' it'll probably affect your entire life and mistakes aren't always easy to fix. Sure you'll learn from them, but rather safe than sorry, right? So you might as well do your best to change in the way you want your life to be.
But the fact that not everything can be controlled, can be quite hard to accept and is easily forgotten.
One should be able to control their own life, right? Wrong.
One should be able to control who they are though, right? Right!
Of couse, being who you are, is a big part of (your) life and how it will turn out too, but life is something no one can control: life happens. And then change happens.

The thing is, when out of the blue, you realize you're changing while it's been happening for quite a while, you get ripped right out of your safest safety-zone.
I mean damn, if you just walk the earth, letting yourself always follow other people, you never really had a mind of your own. At this point in life, it must be a real shocker. And if on the other hand your mind is the only thing that's really yours, it's a double sucker.
Either way, there's chaos. You're looking at a dumpyard of all your thoughts and opinions, things you considered, reconsidered, all your rights and wrongs, moral standards, ethical issues, matter of importance of things, responsibilities and so on, and so on...
All the plans and ideas you had for the future, are they still what you want now? Are they really? Or does that belong with who you used to be?

It's hard to say. Sometimes you're just going trough a small change and only tiny little things become different, that's not that hard to accept. You do some self reflecting and overall, you'll stay basically the same. Maybe even change back eventually. All that changing forth and back, or in other cases changing on and on and on ('going through fases' as people like to call that), might get you to lose yourself at some point. When you found out that happened: brace yourself, it's gonna be hard!

I guess changing is like being pregnant: sometimes you don't know who (or what) caused it and you don't find out either till much later, when you realize something is different about you. You don't know if you like it or not, but it happened, it's done and the question rests whether or not it can or will be undone. Moral issues get in the way, ethical questions fire away. It's overwhelming, but you have to decide, whether you have time for that or not. For some it's simple, for others it's really not.

Everyone changes, less decisive people maybe more easily or more often than others, but that's what growing up is. It never stops...
/bash/
Usually people telling others to grow up, need to just shut the fuck up and go by their own words. Snotty, egotistical, stuck up bunch of snobs. If anything, those people should be telling others not to grow up, since obviously they haven't yet either.
/bash/

So that's pretty much it about changing... Now getting all this to work out, figuring out who your are, that's the hard part. That's the bothering part! You can't just go making a list about everything in your life and check how you feel about it, can you? I need to figure this sh*t out.

Bottom line: growing up sucks balls. Super-galactic-mammouth-jawbreaker-choking-hazzard sized. Balls.