PUBERS
In de puberteit
Pubers kunnen heel verfrissend
en ontwapenend zijn. Ze laten je
nadenken over de manier waarop
je opvoeder wilt zijn, over je
levensstijl, je uiterlijk, je smaak.
Van pubers valt veel te genieten,
net zoals van kinderen in een
eerdere ontwikkelingsfase.
Maar de puberteit kan ook
spanningen en conflicten met zich
meebrengen, want pubers kunnen
soms onredelijk zijn, humeurig of
dwars.
Daardoor kan het opvoeden in
deze periode ook lastig zijn.
TIPS TIPS TIPS
Toeschouwer
Kijk naar je puber niet alleen als opvoeder,
maar ook als toeschouwer. Zo kun je beter
zien hoe je kind volwassen probeert te
worden en kun je ook trots op hem zijn.
Geen preek
Toon belangstelling voor het reilen en
zeilen van je puber zonder meteen klaar
te staan met je eigen mening. Dat wordt al
gauw een 'preek' en dat is wel het laatste
waar je kind behoefte aan heeft.
Experimenteren
Realiseer je dat veel van wat je puber
doet experimenteren is, het opdoen van
ervaringen om te ontdekken wat hij of zij
kan of wil, wat bij hem of haar past.
De meeste experimenten houden na een
tijdje weer op.
Normen en waarden
Hou vast aan de normen en waarden
die jij belangrijk vindt, ook al heeft je puber
de behoefte er flink tegenaan te schoppen.
Probeer duidelijk te maken waarom je
eraan hecht, maar dring ze niet op.
Verbieden
Al zou je misschien iets liever willen, je
puber iets verbieden (ik verbied je met die
jongen om te gaan, een stickie te roken, te
drinken) heeft geen zin. Je riskeert hooguit
dat hij of zij het juist gaat doen, maar dan
stiekem.
Kind van de buren
Als je even niet meer weet wat je met je
puber aan moet, probeer je dan voor te
stellen dat het om het kind van de buren
gaat. Dan komen de goede ideeën vanzelf.
Duidelijke regels
Maak alleen duidelijke regels bij wat je echt
belangrijk vindt. Op tijd de hond uitlaten kan
belangrijker zijn dan het geven van een zoen
voor het slapen gaan. Het scheelt een hoop
geruzie en bovendien laat je je puber zo meer
in zijn waarde.
Spannend
De puberteit is spannend en niet per se
een bron van zorg. Als je het zo bekijkt, zit je
al aardig op dezelfde golflengte als je puber.
Onderhandelen
Onderhandel samen over regels en
grenzen. Dat is de beste manier om
ruzies te vermijden of op te lossen.
Bovendien maakt je puber zo kennis met
geven en nemen.
Onderhandelen kan over alles:
zakgeld, kamer opruimen, roken, drinken,
hoe laat thuis komen, noem maar op.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Een vreemde manier van leven?
Laatst ontmoette ik op een bruiloft een neef, die ik in jaren niet had gezien. We raakten aan de praat. Hij vertelde hoe hij op dit moment leeft.
Vreemd! Hij had gekozen om in armoede te leven. Vrijwillig gekozen armoede. Hj beweerde dat hij daar gelukkig van werd. Samen met drie vrouwen woont hij in een klein arbeidershuisje in de Indische Buurt in Amsterdam. Met een klein baantje verdienen zij een beetje geld. Daarvan leven zij en betalen zij de huur. Ze hebben een huiskamer ingericht voor prostituees, die met tippelen hun geld verdienen. Geld dat zij vaak nodig hebben voor drugs. Van zulke vrouwen en meisjes zijn er nogal wat in Amsterdam, vertelde hij. Ze zijn, volgens hem, praktisch vogelvrij. Soms hebben ze een 'vriend', die hen steeds ook weer 'de baan' opstuurt.
"Verder hebben ze niemand", zei Kees. "Werkelijk niemand". Hoerenlopers en dealers maken misbruik van hen, buurtbewoners jagen hen weg, de gemeente wil er officieel niks mee te maken hebben. Iedereen ziet deze vrouwen als een probleem dat zo gauw mogelijk uitgebannen moet worden. Er zijn maar weinig mensen, die deze vrouwen ook als mens ziet. Als een mens, die in de problemen zit."
Dat vertelde Kees allemaal. Die groep van hem biedt die vrouwen een veilige, warme plek om te schuilen, soep en brood, een douche, wat menselijke aandacht en warmte.
"Hoe kun je daar nou gelukkig van worden?", vroeg ik.
"Dat lijkt me juist vragen om inbrekers!", reageerde ik.
"Nee hoor. Iedereen mag en kan gewoon binnenkomen om een boterham te nemen, een groet achter te laten, een nachtje te slapen. En dat gebeurt ook vaak.
Kijk, er is niets te halen van materiële waarde. Zodoende hebben we veel kostelijke ontmoetingen gehad. Ja, en als er eens iemand iets uit ons huis meenam, dan dachten we: 'Die zal het wel harder nodig gehad hebben dan wij'. We zijn er heel tevreden mee."
Nou was ik zelf op dat moment verwikkeld in een akelige erfeniskwestie die mijn bloed liet koken. Ik was daar vol van. Dus ik vertelde hem daarover. Mijn vader was een paar jaar geleden gestorven. Mijn drie broers werkten in het bedrijf van mijn vader. Ik zelf ben een heel andere kant op gegaan. Ik geef les aan een havo. Na de dood van mijn vader -mijn moeder was al eerder gestorven- wilden mijn broers zijn geld, dat hij allemaal in dat bedrijf had zitten, in het bedrijf laten.
Als ze mij mijn deel van de erfenis zouden geven dan zou het bedrijf over de kop gaat. Ik zou toch ook wel willen dat op die manier het levenswerk van mijn vader zou worden voortgezet, dachten zij...
Nou, dat wilde ik ook wel, maar ik vond dat ze dan maar dat geld bij een bank moesten lenen en mij mijn deel van de erfenis moesten geven. Dat wilden ze niet. En er was ook niks per testament geregeld door mijn vader. Dus, ik overwoog om dan maar naar de rechter te stappen om mijn recht te halen. Dan riskeerde ik natuurlijk wel een breuk met mijn familie. Enfin, pesterijen over en weer, je kent dat wel. Bitterheid alom...
Zegt Kees tegen mij: "Zijn die rotcenten je dat allemaal waard? Waarom zie je er niet gewoon vanaf je recht te halen? Dat is toch veel beter voor je gemoedsrust. Laat toch lopen man! Wat zal je je al die ellende op je nek halen voor honderdvijftigduizend gulden? Ik laat me nog niet voor een miljoen ongelukkig maken ... Dat is toch je ziel aan de duivel verkopen!"
Nou ja, wat vind je daar nu van?
Vreemd! Hij had gekozen om in armoede te leven. Vrijwillig gekozen armoede. Hj beweerde dat hij daar gelukkig van werd. Samen met drie vrouwen woont hij in een klein arbeidershuisje in de Indische Buurt in Amsterdam. Met een klein baantje verdienen zij een beetje geld. Daarvan leven zij en betalen zij de huur. Ze hebben een huiskamer ingericht voor prostituees, die met tippelen hun geld verdienen. Geld dat zij vaak nodig hebben voor drugs. Van zulke vrouwen en meisjes zijn er nogal wat in Amsterdam, vertelde hij. Ze zijn, volgens hem, praktisch vogelvrij. Soms hebben ze een 'vriend', die hen steeds ook weer 'de baan' opstuurt.
"Verder hebben ze niemand", zei Kees. "Werkelijk niemand". Hoerenlopers en dealers maken misbruik van hen, buurtbewoners jagen hen weg, de gemeente wil er officieel niks mee te maken hebben. Iedereen ziet deze vrouwen als een probleem dat zo gauw mogelijk uitgebannen moet worden. Er zijn maar weinig mensen, die deze vrouwen ook als mens ziet. Als een mens, die in de problemen zit."
Dat vertelde Kees allemaal. Die groep van hem biedt die vrouwen een veilige, warme plek om te schuilen, soep en brood, een douche, wat menselijke aandacht en warmte.
"Hoe kun je daar nou gelukkig van worden?", vroeg ik.
"Dat lijkt me juist vragen om inbrekers!", reageerde ik.
"Nee hoor. Iedereen mag en kan gewoon binnenkomen om een boterham te nemen, een groet achter te laten, een nachtje te slapen. En dat gebeurt ook vaak.
Kijk, er is niets te halen van materiële waarde. Zodoende hebben we veel kostelijke ontmoetingen gehad. Ja, en als er eens iemand iets uit ons huis meenam, dan dachten we: 'Die zal het wel harder nodig gehad hebben dan wij'. We zijn er heel tevreden mee."
Nou was ik zelf op dat moment verwikkeld in een akelige erfeniskwestie die mijn bloed liet koken. Ik was daar vol van. Dus ik vertelde hem daarover. Mijn vader was een paar jaar geleden gestorven. Mijn drie broers werkten in het bedrijf van mijn vader. Ik zelf ben een heel andere kant op gegaan. Ik geef les aan een havo. Na de dood van mijn vader -mijn moeder was al eerder gestorven- wilden mijn broers zijn geld, dat hij allemaal in dat bedrijf had zitten, in het bedrijf laten.
Als ze mij mijn deel van de erfenis zouden geven dan zou het bedrijf over de kop gaat. Ik zou toch ook wel willen dat op die manier het levenswerk van mijn vader zou worden voortgezet, dachten zij...
Nou, dat wilde ik ook wel, maar ik vond dat ze dan maar dat geld bij een bank moesten lenen en mij mijn deel van de erfenis moesten geven. Dat wilden ze niet. En er was ook niks per testament geregeld door mijn vader. Dus, ik overwoog om dan maar naar de rechter te stappen om mijn recht te halen. Dan riskeerde ik natuurlijk wel een breuk met mijn familie. Enfin, pesterijen over en weer, je kent dat wel. Bitterheid alom...
Zegt Kees tegen mij: "Zijn die rotcenten je dat allemaal waard? Waarom zie je er niet gewoon vanaf je recht te halen? Dat is toch veel beter voor je gemoedsrust. Laat toch lopen man! Wat zal je je al die ellende op je nek halen voor honderdvijftigduizend gulden? Ik laat me nog niet voor een miljoen ongelukkig maken ... Dat is toch je ziel aan de duivel verkopen!"
Nou ja, wat vind je daar nu van?
What is love...
according to children ages 4-8?
'When my grandmother got arthritis,
she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time,
even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca - age 8
'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume
and a boy puts on shaving cologne
and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5
'Love is when you go out to eat
and give somebody most of your French fries
without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age 6
'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4
'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy
and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7
'Love is when you kiss all the time.
Then when you get tired of kissing,
you still want to be together and you talk more.
My mommy and daddy are like that.
They look gross when they kiss'
Emily - age 8
'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas
if you stop opening presents and listen.'
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
'If you want to learn to love better,
you should start with a friend who you hate,'
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt,
then he wears it everyday.'
Noelle - age 7
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends
even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6
'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared.
I looked at all the people watching me
and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that.
I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8
'My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 6
'Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.'
Elaine-age 5
'Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty
and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'
Chris - age 7
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day..'
Mary Ann - age 4
'I know my older sister loves me
because she gives me all her old clothes
and has to go out and buy new ones.'
Lauren - age 4
'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down
and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)
Karen - age 7
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you', unless you mean it.
But if you mean it, you should say it a lot.. People forget.'
Jessica - age 8
And the final one:
a four year old child whose next door neighbor
was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry,
the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard,
climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked what he had said to the neighbor,
the little boy said: 'Nothing, I just helped him cry'
'When my grandmother got arthritis,
she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time,
even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca - age 8
'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume
and a boy puts on shaving cologne
and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5
'Love is when you go out to eat
and give somebody most of your French fries
without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age 6
'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4
'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy
and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7
'Love is when you kiss all the time.
Then when you get tired of kissing,
you still want to be together and you talk more.
My mommy and daddy are like that.
They look gross when they kiss'
Emily - age 8
'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas
if you stop opening presents and listen.'
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
'If you want to learn to love better,
you should start with a friend who you hate,'
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt,
then he wears it everyday.'
Noelle - age 7
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends
even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6
'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared.
I looked at all the people watching me
and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that.
I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8
'My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 6
'Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.'
Elaine-age 5
'Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty
and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'
Chris - age 7
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day..'
Mary Ann - age 4
'I know my older sister loves me
because she gives me all her old clothes
and has to go out and buy new ones.'
Lauren - age 4
'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down
and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)
Karen - age 7
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you', unless you mean it.
But if you mean it, you should say it a lot.. People forget.'
Jessica - age 8
And the final one:
a four year old child whose next door neighbor
was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry,
the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard,
climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked what he had said to the neighbor,
the little boy said: 'Nothing, I just helped him cry'
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Day of Liberty.
Today, we celebrate freedom in Holland. Escape from the Nazi-claws. We all know freedom and peace aren't as obvious everywhere in the world, as they are here. We know it, but do we realize it?
Last night I had a conversation with a someone. I asked them if they knew how amazing they were. They didn't. Since a wise man called Socrates once said 'know thyself'. I thought I'd help that person out and I explained it to them. They got embarassed, but that's only another great thing about them: modesty. Then they thanked me, but I told them that they all did it themselves. They got more embarassd.
But it's true, isn't it? You choose to be who you are. Think about it: does it matter where you came from, what you look like, whether you're disabled, old or young... if you're an asshole? No. Cause you can be an incredibly handsome, young foreign asshole or you can be a grumpy old asshole in a wheelchair, but you're still an asshole!
And just like a bad name like that can be given to anyone, a good name can be too. Cause anyone can be amazing or nice. Anyone can be beautiful, helpful, kind, loving or fun. And if it doesn't come naturally, that's okay. Just remember that whoever or whatever you are: everyone has good qualities, some people just don't let them stand out or haven't found them yet. Also remember that YOU or any other person can always be better OR worse. If they choose to be.
If someone tells you to do this or not to that, to go or to stay, to be or buy or whatever... it's still YOUR choice. People can influence you, sure, they can pressure you, but no one can ever completely control your mind. At least to my knowledge. It's YOUR coice. You ALWAYS have a choice. No matter where you're from or where you ARE.
You see, today, I celebrate. For the freedom I experience right now. I cheer on the heroes that fought for freedom 65 years ago... But I also applaude for the civillians in CURRENT war-area's, scared to death, WAITING for peace and freedom. And I salute the brave civillians among them, that fight for freedom NOW. Just like the resistance fighters in the second world war, they fight now for their unnamed war. They don't have to, but for freedom; they CHOOSE to.
Choices are made every second of every day. The best time to choose or change for sake of the better, is right now! Whether 'good' means going for green, recycling, helping your little brother or visiting your old, lonely neighbour... Any little thing makes a difference. But for all mans sake... please, choose peace. Thank you.
Last night I had a conversation with a someone. I asked them if they knew how amazing they were. They didn't. Since a wise man called Socrates once said 'know thyself'. I thought I'd help that person out and I explained it to them. They got embarassed, but that's only another great thing about them: modesty. Then they thanked me, but I told them that they all did it themselves. They got more embarassd.
But it's true, isn't it? You choose to be who you are. Think about it: does it matter where you came from, what you look like, whether you're disabled, old or young... if you're an asshole? No. Cause you can be an incredibly handsome, young foreign asshole or you can be a grumpy old asshole in a wheelchair, but you're still an asshole!
And just like a bad name like that can be given to anyone, a good name can be too. Cause anyone can be amazing or nice. Anyone can be beautiful, helpful, kind, loving or fun. And if it doesn't come naturally, that's okay. Just remember that whoever or whatever you are: everyone has good qualities, some people just don't let them stand out or haven't found them yet. Also remember that YOU or any other person can always be better OR worse. If they choose to be.
If someone tells you to do this or not to that, to go or to stay, to be or buy or whatever... it's still YOUR choice. People can influence you, sure, they can pressure you, but no one can ever completely control your mind. At least to my knowledge. It's YOUR coice. You ALWAYS have a choice. No matter where you're from or where you ARE.
You see, today, I celebrate. For the freedom I experience right now. I cheer on the heroes that fought for freedom 65 years ago... But I also applaude for the civillians in CURRENT war-area's, scared to death, WAITING for peace and freedom. And I salute the brave civillians among them, that fight for freedom NOW. Just like the resistance fighters in the second world war, they fight now for their unnamed war. They don't have to, but for freedom; they CHOOSE to.
Choices are made every second of every day. The best time to choose or change for sake of the better, is right now! Whether 'good' means going for green, recycling, helping your little brother or visiting your old, lonely neighbour... Any little thing makes a difference. But for all mans sake... please, choose peace. Thank you.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Cheer the frig up
Check out this site!
Jellio.com sells stuff so nostalgic.
It brings back memories, that you didn't even know you had!
Jellio.com sells stuff so nostalgic.
It brings back memories, that you didn't even know you had!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Why it is important to be in touch with your feelings?
When you are in touch with your own feelings, you...
The following are positive, rational, reality-based affirmations you may want to use in mirror work and journal writing, in order to facilitate your ability to identify and express your feelings:
To help you get in touch with your feelings you can do one or more of the following.
Step 1:
In your journal, identify what obstacles currently keeps you out of touch with your feelings. Such as if you have any of the following:
Step 2:
Once you have identified the obstacles to being in touch with your feelings, then identify in your journal what messages you have given yourself in the past to keep you from identifying, experiencing or expressing your feelings.
Step 3:
After you have identified the negative messages you have given yourself to keep you out of touch with your feelings, then in your journal identify healthy self-affirmations which will encourage you to identify, experience and express your feelings on a daily basis.
Step 4:
Use your affirmations for getting in touch with your feelings on a daily basis and then in your journal for the next thirty days keep a "Feelings Log.'' Use the following directions to do the Feelings Log.
Step 5: If after 30 days of keeping a "Feelings Log'' you are still not better able to get in touch with your feelings, return to Step 1 and begin again.
Feelings Log Directions
1. In your journal on a daily basis for the next thirty days, record feelings you are experiencing.
For each day record distinct parts of the day for which you are identifying feelings.
For example:
Feeling Words
Use these lists of words to help you try to get in touch with your own feelings. Also use this list as you listen for the feelings of others in your conversations. Try to identify what you are feeling and at the same time try to identify what the other person's feeling.
Positive Feelings
Love, affection, concern, interest, absorbed, altruistic, brotherly, congenial, admired, amiable, caring, conscientious, adorable, benevolent, charitable, considerate, benign, cooperative, big-hearted, compassionate, cordial, agreeable, honest, comforting.
Negative Feelings
Depressed, sad, abandoned, despised, horrible, pathetic, alien, despondent, humiliated, pitiful, alienated, aching, disliked, impatient, skeptical, afflicted, displeased, imprisoned, speechless, agonized, dissatisfied, injured, strained, anguished, doubtful, bullied, shaky, worrying, embarrassed, shocked, abused, diminished, ridiculed, belittled, flimsy, fuming, irritated.
Source/Bron: Getting in touch with Feelings
When you are in touch with your own feelings, you...
- ...become a more real and authentic person.
- ...become more honest with yourself about who you are, where you have come from and where you are going.
- ...begin to be more willing to take risks and become more vulnerable and intimate in interpersonal relationships.
- ...cease being in denial, about what is really happening in your life.
...no longer pull in and hide, so that you become invisible to yourself and others. - ...take the risk of no longer disassociating or becoming numb, when things are going on in your life which are negative or overwhelming.
- ...make yourself stay conscious to the reality of your life, so that you are able to recall or remember it in the future, rather than to have no memory of it.
- ...push yourself to have a broadened or enriched emotional vocabulary, to describe the experiences of your life.
- ...cease viewing life from a black or white perspective and become more willing to take the gray into account.
- ...open yourself up to grieve the losses in your life, so that you no longer use denial, repression, suppression or delusion, to describe your life the way you wanted it to be, but rather describe your life the way it really was.
- ...allow yourself to become a congruent healthy human being, who uses rational, reality-based thinking to assist your feelings, to become rational and reality-based, so that the actions and behaviors which follow, are also rational and reality-based.
- ...are open to the spirit of your inner child, who allows you to enjoy your life to the fullest, without the constraints or restrictions of how you "should'' think, feel or act.
- ...live life moment-to-moment, day-to-day, and become reasonably happy realizing that feelings are a natural, human process.
- ...begin to accept that feeling all feelings is OK and that there is no right or wrong feeling.
- ...become open to experience the full continuum of emotions, from the most painfully negative to the most exhilaratingly positive.
- ...grow in the ability to listen, understand and be empathetic to other people's verbal and nonverbal expressions of feelings and emotions.
- Non-feeling personality pattern
This pattern is also known as alexathemia: the absence of feeling, emotionally laden vocabulary and experience. - Pulling-in personality pattern
This is a withdrawal pattern, in which you resort to a low profile or invisibility, to hold in emotions, in order to avoid being dragged into the conflicts and troubles going on around you in life. - Disassociation
This is a survival pattern of becoming numb or disconnected from the emotions that accompany an event which is unpleasant, threatening, abusive, violent, uncomfortable or challenging to you. This pattern enables you to terminate an association with the event so as to survive the event and get on with your life.
The following are positive, rational, reality-based affirmations you may want to use in mirror work and journal writing, in order to facilitate your ability to identify and express your feelings:
- It is healthy to feel your feelings.
- There is no such thing as a right or wrong feeling.
- All feelings are OK.
- It is OK to feel what I am feeling now.
- No one can take what I am currently feeling, away from me.
- I have a right to feel my feelings.
- No one can judge me wrong for feeling the feelings I experience in my life.
- It is OK to have negative feelings and to identify and express them freely.
- I am feeling feelings every second of my waking hours.
- Identifying and expressing my feelings makes me a real and authentic human being.
- No one can deny me my feelings.
- No one can tell me how I should be feeling.
- No one has the right to make me feel bad or guilty for the feelings I am feeling.
- I am more alive and vigorous when I am in touch with my feelings.
- I have a right to have my feelings be visible, seen and heard by others.
- I will no longer hide my feelings and emotions from myself and the others in my life.
- I deserve to give and receive honest feedback about my feelings toward persons, places, things and events in my life.
- I deserve to have my feelings listened to by others.
- I choose to feel my feelings, be they positive or negative, so that I cease being numb to my life.
- I have the right to experience the grief and mourning emotions which I will feel as I face the losses in my life.
- I will heal and grow as I become more in touch with my feelings.
- I will "grow down'' more as I open myself up to get in touch with my feelings
To help you get in touch with your feelings you can do one or more of the following.
- Keep a daily feelings log.
- Keep a daily journal, identifying what happened to you in the day and how it made you feel.
- Work on identifying the losses you experienced in your life and grieve the loss of them, by using the strategies for handling losses in Tools for Handling Loss.
- Do anger workouts on an as needed basis and do the anger work strategies as identified in Tools for Anger Workout.
- Use effective listening and responding techniques in your communications with others, so that you are able to express your feelings, listen to and understand the feelings of others, and respond to them to reflect this understanding. This work is more fully explained in Tools for Communications.
- Read books about others whose life histories are similar to yours and see how they express their feelings about their life experiences. Use these others' words as role models for your own emotional expression.
- Attend a weekly support group, to experience the active identification of feelings in the giving and receiving of support. Use The SEA's Manual to help you and others to conduct your support program with a SEA's program emphasis.
Step 1:
In your journal, identify what obstacles currently keeps you out of touch with your feelings. Such as if you have any of the following:
- Non-feeling personality style
- Pulling-in personality style
- Disassociation
Step 2:
Once you have identified the obstacles to being in touch with your feelings, then identify in your journal what messages you have given yourself in the past to keep you from identifying, experiencing or expressing your feelings.
Step 3:
After you have identified the negative messages you have given yourself to keep you out of touch with your feelings, then in your journal identify healthy self-affirmations which will encourage you to identify, experience and express your feelings on a daily basis.
Step 4:
Use your affirmations for getting in touch with your feelings on a daily basis and then in your journal for the next thirty days keep a "Feelings Log.'' Use the following directions to do the Feelings Log.
Step 5: If after 30 days of keeping a "Feelings Log'' you are still not better able to get in touch with your feelings, return to Step 1 and begin again.
Feelings Log Directions
1. In your journal on a daily basis for the next thirty days, record feelings you are experiencing.
For each day record distinct parts of the day for which you are identifying feelings.
For example:
- Morning--rising and breakfast.
- Morning--at work (school, home).
- Afternoon--lunch.
- Afternoon--back at job (school, home).
- Early evening--on way home.
- Evening dinner.
- Later evening.
- Pre-retiring to bed.
- What I was feeling.
- The stimulus for the feeling.
- What, if anything, I did as a result of this feeling.
- How others reacted to what I did.
Feeling Words
Use these lists of words to help you try to get in touch with your own feelings. Also use this list as you listen for the feelings of others in your conversations. Try to identify what you are feeling and at the same time try to identify what the other person's feeling.
Positive Feelings
Love, affection, concern, interest, absorbed, altruistic, brotherly, congenial, admired, amiable, caring, conscientious, adorable, benevolent, charitable, considerate, benign, cooperative, big-hearted, compassionate, cordial, agreeable, honest, comforting.
Negative Feelings
Depressed, sad, abandoned, despised, horrible, pathetic, alien, despondent, humiliated, pitiful, alienated, aching, disliked, impatient, skeptical, afflicted, displeased, imprisoned, speechless, agonized, dissatisfied, injured, strained, anguished, doubtful, bullied, shaky, worrying, embarrassed, shocked, abused, diminished, ridiculed, belittled, flimsy, fuming, irritated.
Source/Bron: Getting in touch with Feelings
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Ik heb het een beetje moeilijk.
Ik weet niet wat ik wil met m'n toekomst, maar om daar naar te kunnen kijken, moet ik eerst focussen op het heden en wie ik NU ben. Daar heb ik geen idee van.
Ik wil heel graag anders zijn dan ik was; eindelijk dat goede, blije persoontje worden naar wie ik streef te zijn. En niet meer de depressieve pessimist.
Daarvoor zou ik met een schone lei moeten beginnen. Dat jullie me practisch pas kennen, komt dus goed uit. Ik moet wel zeggen dat jullie me nu al beter kennen dan een heleboel mensen. En buiten familie ook de enige, geloof ik. Anonieme of kilometers-ver-weg-zijnde internet figuren niet meegeteld. Daar heb ik ook al lang geen contact mee.
Ik zou nu natuurlijk wel kunnen doen alsof ik gewoon ben wie ik ben, maar wie ik was en ben geweest zal altijd wel een deel van me blijven. Voor mij lijkt het dus logische dat ik pas m'n volledige zelf kan zijn, als ik 'accepteer' dat ik ben geweest hoe ik was.
Het klinkt misschien als een hoop overdreven gedoe, maar wie weet werkt het wel. It's worth a shot. En als ik gewoon doe alsof ik er niets mee te verliezen heb, zal ik het misschien nog kunnen vertellen ook. Schamen zal ik me sowieso, maar daar kom ik wel overheen.
Ik zal binnenkort een samenvatting proberen te geven van waar ik me allemaal over heb opgefokt en dat soort dingen. Als dat iemand zou interesseren dan, zoniet dan heb ik het tenminste uit m'n systeem, voor mezelf.
Ik weet niet wat ik wil met m'n toekomst, maar om daar naar te kunnen kijken, moet ik eerst focussen op het heden en wie ik NU ben. Daar heb ik geen idee van.
Ik wil heel graag anders zijn dan ik was; eindelijk dat goede, blije persoontje worden naar wie ik streef te zijn. En niet meer de depressieve pessimist.
Daarvoor zou ik met een schone lei moeten beginnen. Dat jullie me practisch pas kennen, komt dus goed uit. Ik moet wel zeggen dat jullie me nu al beter kennen dan een heleboel mensen. En buiten familie ook de enige, geloof ik. Anonieme of kilometers-ver-weg-zijnde internet figuren niet meegeteld. Daar heb ik ook al lang geen contact mee.
Ik zou nu natuurlijk wel kunnen doen alsof ik gewoon ben wie ik ben, maar wie ik was en ben geweest zal altijd wel een deel van me blijven. Voor mij lijkt het dus logische dat ik pas m'n volledige zelf kan zijn, als ik 'accepteer' dat ik ben geweest hoe ik was.
Het klinkt misschien als een hoop overdreven gedoe, maar wie weet werkt het wel. It's worth a shot. En als ik gewoon doe alsof ik er niets mee te verliezen heb, zal ik het misschien nog kunnen vertellen ook. Schamen zal ik me sowieso, maar daar kom ik wel overheen.
Ik zal binnenkort een samenvatting proberen te geven van waar ik me allemaal over heb opgefokt en dat soort dingen. Als dat iemand zou interesseren dan, zoniet dan heb ik het tenminste uit m'n systeem, voor mezelf.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Ik heb een beetje voor mezelf duidelijk gekregen dat het (volgens mij dan) gaat om het verleden af te sluiten, duidelijk krijgen wie en hoe ik ben en een beetje een beeld van m'n toekomst te krijgen. Ik denk dat ik dat ook zo in die volgorde moet doen, ongeveer dan. Ik had wel door dat ik nu toch wel heel erg anders ben, hoewel sommige dingen zich op het moment lijken te herhalen, maar beetje bij beetje ben ik zo erg veranderd dat ik even moet bijmeten hoe anders ik ben en waarin precies.
---------------
M'n leven bestaat nu echt alleen even uit school, schrijven en praten. Wauw. Ik ben echt opnieuw aan het beginnen. Het jaartje geen school is dus best perfect geplanned.
---------------
Op het moment mag ik mezelf echt totaal niet. Ik vind mezelf een irritant, egoïstisch, dom zeikwijf. Misschien wel omdat ik irritant veel loop te zeiken over m'n domme kwaaltjes. Misschien juist door opmerkingen zoals de vorige zin. Ik weet het niet, misschien zit het allemaal wel alleen in m'n hoofd en komt het juist omdat ik tegen mezelf loop te zeuren de hele tijd. Het is gekmakend.
Hoe dan ook, ik moet zeggen dat ik dit wel herken uit een eerdere tijd. Het verschil is dat ik mezelf er toen zowat om ging haten en vast ook in zelfmedelijden ging zwelgen (ja, het was walgelijk). Nu kan ik dat zo veel mogelijk overslaan en gelijk doorgaan naar het deel waar ik er wat aan ga doen.
---------------
M'n leven bestaat nu echt alleen even uit school, schrijven en praten. Wauw. Ik ben echt opnieuw aan het beginnen. Het jaartje geen school is dus best perfect geplanned.
---------------
Op het moment mag ik mezelf echt totaal niet. Ik vind mezelf een irritant, egoïstisch, dom zeikwijf. Misschien wel omdat ik irritant veel loop te zeiken over m'n domme kwaaltjes. Misschien juist door opmerkingen zoals de vorige zin. Ik weet het niet, misschien zit het allemaal wel alleen in m'n hoofd en komt het juist omdat ik tegen mezelf loop te zeuren de hele tijd. Het is gekmakend.
Hoe dan ook, ik moet zeggen dat ik dit wel herken uit een eerdere tijd. Het verschil is dat ik mezelf er toen zowat om ging haten en vast ook in zelfmedelijden ging zwelgen (ja, het was walgelijk). Nu kan ik dat zo veel mogelijk overslaan en gelijk doorgaan naar het deel waar ik er wat aan ga doen.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Mental Dilemma II - Even more Celebral doodookaka
In the previous text I wrote some things about love and friendship. About the wondering whether or not to take the first step in, for example, trust. Opening up is a damned hard thing to do sometimes and it's not nothing of course.
It doesn't take a lot of experience in life to know not everyone can be trusted. Trusting no one isn't the way to go either though. There are always two ways to look at it. Someone can be seen as a naive and dumb or as being courageously open. Someone else can be mysterious and preserved for not letting others in or just plain paranoid.
Ultimatums (usually) don't work. It's all about finding balance, the middle... You've heard it before. This generally goes for everything and also comes naturally to some people and has to actually be taught to others.
Considering some things, it's not easy. Discussable points for examples, because they are, as stated, discussable. The 'what is right and what is wrong?' kind of questions. Yeah, the moral and ethical stuff.
Those matters always depend per situation, considering motives and reasons. But overall you can't really have an honest view or opinion on that, unless you've at least tried to see things from both sides. And being able to see both ways (positive/negative) about both sides (right/wrong) isn't always easy and so, most people don't. If you would, you'd be doubting a lot. I know I do. I wonder a lot.
How can you stand steady, if you don't know why you find what you think? Should you not be considering both sides before being able to decide what is wrong or right? It wouldn't be fair if you didn't. But life isn't fair anyway... If everyone would do this it still wouldn't, because we'd all still have different opinions. And we're entitled to those opinions. Having everyone being able to back up their opinions with arguments, would only lead to incredibly poshed up lawsuits, with little use of lawyers, leading nowhere.
Seeing both sides. People who are trying to help you, but are actually in favor of the other side, always push that. (Bunch of know-it-all's, trying to passively grow their opinion on you.) Guess they're right, but still...
With a religious background, deciding on moral issues can be harder or easier. You can follow and just go with it, embrace the comfort. Or you requestion everything. That's a difficult, time consuming task, considering all the different possible interpretations of religious statements and all those many views that come with that.
Also, the origins of that religious background (parents or caretakers, most likely) and the fact that it probably has been with you since birth, make it all the harder to question. It's a part of you.
Next to the fact that all this is hard enough on its own, something else important plays a big part too: life goes on. It doesn't wait. And every day is weird if you don't have a secure opinion on things. You get new influences all the time, which can sometimes help, but usually only make everything more difficult.
Think, think, think! For your own sake think! But don't think too much, you'll lose yourself. And don't listen to me, think for yourself...
It doesn't take a lot of experience in life to know not everyone can be trusted. Trusting no one isn't the way to go either though. There are always two ways to look at it. Someone can be seen as a naive and dumb or as being courageously open. Someone else can be mysterious and preserved for not letting others in or just plain paranoid.
Ultimatums (usually) don't work. It's all about finding balance, the middle... You've heard it before. This generally goes for everything and also comes naturally to some people and has to actually be taught to others.
Considering some things, it's not easy. Discussable points for examples, because they are, as stated, discussable. The 'what is right and what is wrong?' kind of questions. Yeah, the moral and ethical stuff.
Those matters always depend per situation, considering motives and reasons. But overall you can't really have an honest view or opinion on that, unless you've at least tried to see things from both sides. And being able to see both ways (positive/negative) about both sides (right/wrong) isn't always easy and so, most people don't. If you would, you'd be doubting a lot. I know I do. I wonder a lot.
How can you stand steady, if you don't know why you find what you think? Should you not be considering both sides before being able to decide what is wrong or right? It wouldn't be fair if you didn't. But life isn't fair anyway... If everyone would do this it still wouldn't, because we'd all still have different opinions. And we're entitled to those opinions. Having everyone being able to back up their opinions with arguments, would only lead to incredibly poshed up lawsuits, with little use of lawyers, leading nowhere.
Seeing both sides. People who are trying to help you, but are actually in favor of the other side, always push that. (Bunch of know-it-all's, trying to passively grow their opinion on you.) Guess they're right, but still...
With a religious background, deciding on moral issues can be harder or easier. You can follow and just go with it, embrace the comfort. Or you requestion everything. That's a difficult, time consuming task, considering all the different possible interpretations of religious statements and all those many views that come with that.
Also, the origins of that religious background (parents or caretakers, most likely) and the fact that it probably has been with you since birth, make it all the harder to question. It's a part of you.
Next to the fact that all this is hard enough on its own, something else important plays a big part too: life goes on. It doesn't wait. And every day is weird if you don't have a secure opinion on things. You get new influences all the time, which can sometimes help, but usually only make everything more difficult.
Think, think, think! For your own sake think! But don't think too much, you'll lose yourself. And don't listen to me, think for yourself...
Mental Dilemma I - Philosophical Brain Feces
I feel like I'm not being grateful enough, more selfish and kindof greedy. I don't want to be that...
On the other hand, I've already been in the place of being the supersweet, nice girl. The thing I hated about that, was that everyone got some weak, soft image of me or I felt like I let people walk over me. Which was both wrong.
I like almost everyone at first, after that I either easily dislike them or keep liking them. Loving is hard, but hating is harder. I don't not care. But right now, I feel like I'm giving the impression of a bitch. Maybe I don't give that impression. Maybe it's because inside I really DON'T care, but I do want to. I don't know.
Now, you might say or think that I shouldn't care about what other people think of me. You're not completely wrong. But I SHOULD care about what the people I (want to) care about think of me.
They already care about me for who I am. I should appreciate that and not take that for granted. Not let that go to waste either.
And sure, that's no problem when it comes to just being friends, hanging out, chillin... But it's the hard times that show how real a friendship is. How well do they trust you? Do you trust them? Will you be there for them? And how about even when they're not there for you (first)? Will they always be the one that have to invest in the friendship before you do?
Greed isn't just about money or things. It's about everything, it's about (not) giving and (not) taking.
I once read something along the lines of 'if you truly love someone, even if they don't love you back, they're not worthy of your love'. But that's not how it works, is it? Isn't truly loving someone equal to unconditional love?
Love should be something on its own. It shouldn't be about 'loving someone because...' (fill in the blanks). It should be about loving someone. Period. Sure there are things to like and love about someone, but love for a person should be apart from that. Because people never stay exactly the same, they change. Unconditional love... But that is a pretty high standard, though, isn't it?
Growing apart due to change, is different from not loving someone anymore.
I suppose that's why changing is scary too. It'll result in one of those 'moments of truth': when you see who will actually stand by your side. If people are going to give you a hard time because you're now different than before, how they'll look at you now... (Maybe that's where prejudice and stereotypes come from: family. They're pretty much obligated to spend time with cousins at parties and such, so they're bound to get an impression. That's a whole different topic though.)
Changing should happen naturally and unnoticed. When you do realize it, it best be because you chose to change. Otherwise it will downright freak you out. Whether it's positive of negative won't matter. Going through changes consciously all of a sudden, will make you realize, you're not who you were anymore. Do you control yourself? Is this (still) your life? Are you becoming who you want to be? The changes and decisions already made, were they really yours?
Letting it happen might be the best thing to do, but keeping in mind 'the butterfly effect' it'll probably affect your entire life and mistakes aren't always easy to fix. Sure you'll learn from them, but rather safe than sorry, right? So you might as well do your best to change in the way you want your life to be.
But the fact that not everything can be controlled, can be quite hard to accept and is easily forgotten.
One should be able to control their own life, right? Wrong.
One should be able to control who they are though, right? Right!
Of couse, being who you are, is a big part of (your) life and how it will turn out too, but life is something no one can control: life happens. And then change happens.
The thing is, when out of the blue, you realize you're changing while it's been happening for quite a while, you get ripped right out of your safest safety-zone.
I mean damn, if you just walk the earth, letting yourself always follow other people, you never really had a mind of your own. At this point in life, it must be a real shocker. And if on the other hand your mind is the only thing that's really yours, it's a double sucker.
Either way, there's chaos. You're looking at a dumpyard of all your thoughts and opinions, things you considered, reconsidered, all your rights and wrongs, moral standards, ethical issues, matter of importance of things, responsibilities and so on, and so on...
All the plans and ideas you had for the future, are they still what you want now? Are they really? Or does that belong with who you used to be?
It's hard to say. Sometimes you're just going trough a small change and only tiny little things become different, that's not that hard to accept. You do some self reflecting and overall, you'll stay basically the same. Maybe even change back eventually. All that changing forth and back, or in other cases changing on and on and on ('going through fases' as people like to call that), might get you to lose yourself at some point. When you found out that happened: brace yourself, it's gonna be hard!
I guess changing is like being pregnant: sometimes you don't know who (or what) caused it and you don't find out either till much later, when you realize something is different about you. You don't know if you like it or not, but it happened, it's done and the question rests whether or not it can or will be undone. Moral issues get in the way, ethical questions fire away. It's overwhelming, but you have to decide, whether you have time for that or not. For some it's simple, for others it's really not.
Everyone changes, less decisive people maybe more easily or more often than others, but that's what growing up is. It never stops...
/bash/
Usually people telling others to grow up, need to just shut the fuck up and go by their own words. Snotty, egotistical, stuck up bunch of snobs. If anything, those people should be telling others not to grow up, since obviously they haven't yet either.
/bash/
So that's pretty much it about changing... Now getting all this to work out, figuring out who your are, that's the hard part. That's the bothering part! You can't just go making a list about everything in your life and check how you feel about it, can you? I need to figure this sh*t out.
Bottom line: growing up sucks balls. Super-galactic-mammouth-jawbreaker-choking-hazzard sized. Balls.
On the other hand, I've already been in the place of being the supersweet, nice girl. The thing I hated about that, was that everyone got some weak, soft image of me or I felt like I let people walk over me. Which was both wrong.
I like almost everyone at first, after that I either easily dislike them or keep liking them. Loving is hard, but hating is harder. I don't not care. But right now, I feel like I'm giving the impression of a bitch. Maybe I don't give that impression. Maybe it's because inside I really DON'T care, but I do want to. I don't know.
Now, you might say or think that I shouldn't care about what other people think of me. You're not completely wrong. But I SHOULD care about what the people I (want to) care about think of me.
They already care about me for who I am. I should appreciate that and not take that for granted. Not let that go to waste either.
And sure, that's no problem when it comes to just being friends, hanging out, chillin... But it's the hard times that show how real a friendship is. How well do they trust you? Do you trust them? Will you be there for them? And how about even when they're not there for you (first)? Will they always be the one that have to invest in the friendship before you do?
Greed isn't just about money or things. It's about everything, it's about (not) giving and (not) taking.
I once read something along the lines of 'if you truly love someone, even if they don't love you back, they're not worthy of your love'. But that's not how it works, is it? Isn't truly loving someone equal to unconditional love?
Love should be something on its own. It shouldn't be about 'loving someone because...' (fill in the blanks). It should be about loving someone. Period. Sure there are things to like and love about someone, but love for a person should be apart from that. Because people never stay exactly the same, they change. Unconditional love... But that is a pretty high standard, though, isn't it?
Growing apart due to change, is different from not loving someone anymore.
I suppose that's why changing is scary too. It'll result in one of those 'moments of truth': when you see who will actually stand by your side. If people are going to give you a hard time because you're now different than before, how they'll look at you now... (Maybe that's where prejudice and stereotypes come from: family. They're pretty much obligated to spend time with cousins at parties and such, so they're bound to get an impression. That's a whole different topic though.)
Changing should happen naturally and unnoticed. When you do realize it, it best be because you chose to change. Otherwise it will downright freak you out. Whether it's positive of negative won't matter. Going through changes consciously all of a sudden, will make you realize, you're not who you were anymore. Do you control yourself? Is this (still) your life? Are you becoming who you want to be? The changes and decisions already made, were they really yours?
Letting it happen might be the best thing to do, but keeping in mind 'the butterfly effect' it'll probably affect your entire life and mistakes aren't always easy to fix. Sure you'll learn from them, but rather safe than sorry, right? So you might as well do your best to change in the way you want your life to be.
But the fact that not everything can be controlled, can be quite hard to accept and is easily forgotten.
One should be able to control their own life, right? Wrong.
One should be able to control who they are though, right? Right!
Of couse, being who you are, is a big part of (your) life and how it will turn out too, but life is something no one can control: life happens. And then change happens.
The thing is, when out of the blue, you realize you're changing while it's been happening for quite a while, you get ripped right out of your safest safety-zone.
I mean damn, if you just walk the earth, letting yourself always follow other people, you never really had a mind of your own. At this point in life, it must be a real shocker. And if on the other hand your mind is the only thing that's really yours, it's a double sucker.
Either way, there's chaos. You're looking at a dumpyard of all your thoughts and opinions, things you considered, reconsidered, all your rights and wrongs, moral standards, ethical issues, matter of importance of things, responsibilities and so on, and so on...
All the plans and ideas you had for the future, are they still what you want now? Are they really? Or does that belong with who you used to be?
It's hard to say. Sometimes you're just going trough a small change and only tiny little things become different, that's not that hard to accept. You do some self reflecting and overall, you'll stay basically the same. Maybe even change back eventually. All that changing forth and back, or in other cases changing on and on and on ('going through fases' as people like to call that), might get you to lose yourself at some point. When you found out that happened: brace yourself, it's gonna be hard!
I guess changing is like being pregnant: sometimes you don't know who (or what) caused it and you don't find out either till much later, when you realize something is different about you. You don't know if you like it or not, but it happened, it's done and the question rests whether or not it can or will be undone. Moral issues get in the way, ethical questions fire away. It's overwhelming, but you have to decide, whether you have time for that or not. For some it's simple, for others it's really not.
Everyone changes, less decisive people maybe more easily or more often than others, but that's what growing up is. It never stops...
/bash/
Usually people telling others to grow up, need to just shut the fuck up and go by their own words. Snotty, egotistical, stuck up bunch of snobs. If anything, those people should be telling others not to grow up, since obviously they haven't yet either.
/bash/
So that's pretty much it about changing... Now getting all this to work out, figuring out who your are, that's the hard part. That's the bothering part! You can't just go making a list about everything in your life and check how you feel about it, can you? I need to figure this sh*t out.
Bottom line: growing up sucks balls. Super-galactic-mammouth-jawbreaker-choking-hazzard sized. Balls.
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