I feel like I'm not being grateful enough, more selfish and kindof greedy. I don't want to be that...
On the other hand, I've already been in the place of being the supersweet, nice girl. The thing I hated about that, was that everyone got some weak, soft image of me or I felt like I let people walk over me. Which was both wrong.
I like almost everyone at first, after that I either easily dislike them or keep liking them. Loving is hard, but hating is harder. I don't not care. But right now, I feel like I'm giving the impression of a bitch. Maybe I don't give that impression. Maybe it's because inside I really DON'T care, but I do want to. I don't know.
Now, you might say or think that I shouldn't care about what other people think of me. You're not completely wrong. But I SHOULD care about what the people I (want to) care about think of me.
They already care about me for who I am. I should appreciate that and not take that for granted. Not let that go to waste either.
And sure, that's no problem when it comes to just being friends, hanging out, chillin... But it's the hard times that show how real a friendship is. How well do they trust you? Do you trust them? Will you be there for them? And how about even when they're not there for you (first)? Will they always be the one that have to invest in the friendship before you do?
Greed isn't just about money or things. It's about everything, it's about (not) giving and (not) taking.
I once read something along the lines of 'if you truly love someone, even if they don't love you back, they're not worthy of your love'. But that's not how it works, is it? Isn't truly loving someone equal to unconditional love?
Love should be something on its own. It shouldn't be about 'loving someone because...' (fill in the blanks). It should be about loving someone. Period. Sure there are things to like and love about someone, but love for a person should be apart from that. Because people never stay exactly the same, they change. Unconditional love... But that is a pretty high standard, though, isn't it?
Growing apart due to change, is different from not loving someone anymore.
I suppose that's why changing is scary too. It'll result in one of those 'moments of truth': when you see who will actually stand by your side. If people are going to give you a hard time because you're now different than before, how they'll look at you now... (Maybe that's where prejudice and stereotypes come from: family. They're pretty much obligated to spend time with cousins at parties and such, so they're bound to get an impression. That's a whole different topic though.)
Changing should happen naturally and unnoticed. When you do realize it, it best be because you chose to change. Otherwise it will downright freak you out. Whether it's positive of negative won't matter. Going through changes consciously all of a sudden, will make you realize, you're not who you were anymore. Do you control yourself? Is this (still) your life? Are you becoming who you want to be? The changes and decisions already made, were they really yours?
Letting it happen might be the best thing to do, but keeping in mind 'the butterfly effect' it'll probably affect your entire life and mistakes aren't always easy to fix. Sure you'll learn from them, but rather safe than sorry, right? So you might as well do your best to change in the way you want your life to be.
But the fact that not everything can be controlled, can be quite hard to accept and is easily forgotten.
One should be able to control their own life, right? Wrong.
One should be able to control who they are though, right? Right!
Of couse, being who you are, is a big part of (your) life and how it will turn out too, but life is something no one can control: life happens. And then change happens.
The thing is, when out of the blue, you realize you're changing while it's been happening for quite a while, you get ripped right out of your safest safety-zone.
I mean damn, if you just walk the earth, letting yourself always follow other people, you never really had a mind of your own. At this point in life, it must be a real shocker. And if on the other hand your mind is the only thing that's really yours, it's a double sucker.
Either way, there's chaos. You're looking at a dumpyard of all your thoughts and opinions, things you considered, reconsidered, all your rights and wrongs, moral standards, ethical issues, matter of importance of things, responsibilities and so on, and so on...
All the plans and ideas you had for the future, are they still what you want now? Are they really? Or does that belong with who you used to be?
It's hard to say. Sometimes you're just going trough a small change and only tiny little things become different, that's not that hard to accept. You do some self reflecting and overall, you'll stay basically the same. Maybe even change back eventually. All that changing forth and back, or in other cases changing on and on and on ('going through fases' as people like to call that), might get you to lose yourself at some point. When you found out that happened: brace yourself, it's gonna be hard!
I guess changing is like being pregnant: sometimes you don't know who (or what) caused it and you don't find out either till much later, when you realize something is different about you. You don't know if you like it or not, but it happened, it's done and the question rests whether or not it can or will be undone. Moral issues get in the way, ethical questions fire away. It's overwhelming, but you have to decide, whether you have time for that or not. For some it's simple, for others it's really not.
Everyone changes, less decisive people maybe more easily or more often than others, but that's what growing up is. It never stops...
/bash/
Usually people telling others to grow up, need to just shut the fuck up and go by their own words. Snotty, egotistical, stuck up bunch of snobs. If anything, those people should be telling others not to grow up, since obviously they haven't yet either.
/bash/
So that's pretty much it about changing... Now getting all this to work out, figuring out who your are, that's the hard part. That's the bothering part! You can't just go making a list about everything in your life and check how you feel about it, can you? I need to figure this sh*t out.
Bottom line: growing up sucks balls. Super-galactic-mammouth-jawbreaker-choking-hazzard sized. Balls.
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