Misery

I can't take it anymore... I don't even know what to write. I feel exactly like I did back when I was twelve. When I was depressed. I hate this. I don't wanna fall back into the pit. But I feel like I'm being pushed and put down, pressed into the ground till I'm in so far deep, I'm back down in that hole anyway.
I've been crying far too much and smiling far too little.
I don't want to listen to the music I did back then and relate like I did back then. I was past that! I moved on. I thought I could be happy...

I see all these inspirational quotes about being happy and being a loving, forgiving person and I completely agree, but it just doesn't seem to work on a depressed, irrational mother. I want it to work and I don't want to give up on it, but I feel like a fly trying to get outside by consistently flying into a closed window. I know it's there and I want to get there so badly, but it's just not happening.

Back then, I didn't have anyone to turn to. Now I have friends, but I don't know who to turn to. They know my story, but who understands? I keep hearing how I should just leave, or just not care and tell her exactly how things are. Or contrarily, how I should not take it so hard or take solace in the thought that I'm really not the only one that goes through this.

My mother keeps telling me I should behave properly, like a girl from my background and our religion, not like a black girl or a white girl or a Christian or a Jew or anything other than 'what I am'. Certainly not like a blond, blue eyed white girl. And that none of those girls act the way I do. Hearing what a terrible daughter I am - in perspective! That sure is motivating...

She keeps talking about how, other than the people in this very household, your first family, no one can't be trusted. That she wants to protect me. And I have indeed been hurt by girls I thought were my best friends, but I've learned from it. I've grown into a stronger, wiser person because of it. No thanks to her though.
Wasn't she supposed to be the one person I am always supposed to be able to go to for love, support and understanding? While I felt hurt and betrayed by my first and only friends of five years, she was clueless of that fact and kept on trying to 'protect me' from the outside world, by trying to scare me and putting me down.

According to her, I can't do anything right and I will never be able to live with other people being the way I am. That's what I've listened to over the years. For years I was anxious about my clumsiness and awkwardness, but I've grown more confident than most people around me. I'd gotten over the idea that I can't do anything right, I've learned people accept me with all my weirdness, clumsiness and silliness and I've learned to accept myself. But only now do I realize I still believe her words. To her I still can't do things right and I'm scared to move out, because I'm scared I wont make it on my own and I'm scared to live with roommates, cause I fear I'd be too difficult to live with.

Of all the people in the world, she is the only one who keeps hurting me over and over and over again, the only one I've allowed to hurt me for such a long time. So why do I keep letting her? Why do I still want her approval? Why do I feel like I'm the horrible person here for wanting to leave?

This situation sucks. I feel stuck. Whatever I do, it's wrong. I never know what she'll think. There are rare occasions when she's rational, or at least tries to be and I have hope that that side of her is who she really is underneath all the crazy and that it's the depression that takes over and makes her be insane. But that's what I hope, I don't know if it's true. Maybe she really is the way she usually is.

I've experienced firsthand that you control your own happiness -to the most extent anyway. It's hard to do something about fucked up hormones and neurons, like when you're depressed. But you can choose whether you're reactive or proactive; you can choose how you react to things, events and other people. I find that adults should know this and be in control of their own lives and emotions as much as they can be. I try to be that way myself, but I know my mother isn't. Based on having lived with her for almost 21 years, I feel like leaving would make her feel out of control, stressed, angry, guilty, sad, even more depressed and lonely... I've heard her cry before and I've seen her curled up as a tiny little ball, crawled up in a corner, crying before... It's heartbreaking. It's my fault. I never know what to do. And knowing my actions (moving out) would cause that in tenfold can't get past my conscious.

I don't fucking want to abandon her, but I can't fucking stay here either! I know I'm not in control of her happiness (clearly, or I would've done something right), but apparently I do affect her misery. Negatively. I can keep trying to be the perfect daughter to her, but well.. I already covered that in the last post...