That may have a depressing tone to it, but it's just as much liberating. It helps to not become too attached to anything and to think things through before you consciously decide to bond. It helps not to get upset about little things and opens you up to see more important things. Not letting yourself be defined by your possessions, your income, your clothes or looks does wonders for your self esteem and confidence. I started looking within and wondered what I had to do to become a person that could survive.
I realize that it sketches a rather gloomy image: a fourteen year old girl worrying about these things instead of about typical things like grades, what to wear, whether that boy notices her and that misunderstanding with her friend. But I was depressed back then... Grades weren't the top of my concern, but I got by on average grades. I didn't care much about looking good or cute (refer back to the previous paragraph), had too low self esteem to consider any guy would ever notice me and I didn't have any friends. Aside from surviving, I also wondered what I had to do to become a person I would like to be friends with, someone I would admire, someone I wouldn't find annoying... but that's all a different story.
For years I wanted to run away, but I never once did. As I got older and less depressed, the plan changed, little by little. At one point I was counting down the days till I'd turn 18. The dream was to buy a hippie van, find a friend with drivers license to get it to my house at midnight on my birthday, help me load in all my stuff and just bail. But the more I approached eighteen, the better things got at home. I was also in the middle of my high school exams and I wasn't going to mess that up after so many years of convincing myself to wait with the running away, cause I didn't want to be a high school drop out.
After high school I worked for a year and my mother completely mellowed out for some reason and the desire to move out wasn't so apparent anymore. I started seeing things differently and should I leave home, I wouldn't run away and cut off all contact, but rather move out. When I started going to college after that year, things got stricter again and since I started actually doing homework and needed to do more outside of school, I realized I wanted to be more independent, to live by my own rules and in my own space. I wanted to move away, but for inherently different reasons than before. Because I behaved a little more responsible, I grew to act a little more adult, I cultivated a desire to grow up even more. And the environment wasn't optimal for that.
And now, halfway though my second year of college, I've thought about moving out quite often; one time being absolutely certain I should, the other time doubting whether it really is such a good idea. I've made a list of pro's and con's, with calculations and considerations and I've come to the conclusion... It's hard either way.
Living with my parents is just as easy as it not. I don't have to do all the grocery shopping, I don't have to cook for myself, I do my own laundry, I get nagged to help around the house more, but rarely really have to and I get reminded to do something about my faith, which is done in an annoying way, but I appreciate the thought. I can live the lazy life! That may sound nice, but as a person that has lots of goals, ambitions, dreams and desires to be more, it's not so great.
I feel like a caged bird with clipped wings. I don't mind eating the bird seeds my owner feeds me, but I want to spread my wings, fly over large fields and eat worms I fought for and berries I found on my own. I want to see the world, sing the songs I like and fly with other birds.
I want disapproved clothes to stop disappearing, sleep and eat when I deem it's the right time to do so, walk around in my underpants and sleep naked. I want to be able to study and do my things without being bothered constantly. I want my trustworthiness to stop being called into question constantly, to stop being affected by my mother's mood swings, stop feeling guilty and overly conscious of everything I do because of her emotional blackmail and to stop being bothered or jealous of the thought that my brother gets favored.
Moving out seems like a simple choice if you see that, but I know living on my own wouldn't exactly be a walk in the park either. Attending class, having an internship, doing homework, doing the groceries, cleaning, laundry, dishes, cooking for myself and other household chores, taking care of myself, working a job to pay for everything, keeping up with my social life, working on religion... It would be stressful and downright exhausting! But I would be making myself useful, I would become much more responsible and independent, which is something I would love a great deal. I'd struggle and fall on my face a lot, but after a while I would get the hang of it, have my own system and manage just fine. The only way to fail is giving up instead of getting up!
However, the bigger ordeal is my guilty conscience. Having a depressed 'single' mom that doesn't approve of anything you do is tough. I keep trying to get her trust, to not upset her or disappoint her, maybe even make her proud, but that's hard when there's no foundation to build on. When I was younger, she didn't tell me stuff, because it would be inappropriate to tell a child, but around the time I was nine, things happened, so I shut everyone out. Especially my mother, cause she never had an idea of how to handle me when I'm upset and in fact made everything worse. My childbrain thought that she should just know that and use those mother instincts she was always talking about. Eleven years later I still don't tell her anything, because she still doesn't know how to handle me, still treats me the same way, still doesn't tell me anything and still is one of the main reasons I usually feel bad.
I would like to have a bond with at least one of my parents and due to my dad's illness, I have even less with him than I have with my mom. But going for a mature mother-daughter relationship when she doesn't want to leave the parent-child stadium doesn't work. I find myself to be stuck in this stadium, cause it's hard to break ingrained habits of reacting a certain way. It takes conscious effort to change the patterns and not fall back and it's even harder when those efforts are met with counteraction, that in turn are irritating to me and lead to one of those knee-jerk reactions I'm trying to unlearn.
Disappointing, upsetting, angering her, making her unhappy, breaking her trust, causing stress or anything similar to that is the last thing I want to do! Especially because of her depression. Since she does not approve of me moving out, this causes quite a dilemma. Trying to live up to expectations that require me to be a completely different person... None of my options seem realistic or doable without causing unhappiness.
- Do I keep trying and keep hiding who I really am and what I like?
I can't imagine going on like this much longer and certainly not forever... - Do I try harder and give up who I am?
How do I stop being me without dying on the inside? - Do I stop trying and stop caring about what she thinks and start living for me?
I can't not care, I don't know how to turn off feelings. I'd feel like a horrible person for abandoning a depressed person and a terrible daughter for turning my back on my mother...
I came up with a plan a while ago. It was a way to get permission (or at least understanding) to move out, by making an offer she wouldn't be able to refuse. It covered what mother wants and what I want, creating a win win situation. I got feedback on it from several people and it is indeed a very fair, reasonable deal. I was excited and hopeful about it, ready to grow some adult balls, sit with my parents and talk to them like a mature person would and hope for the best outcome!
But after an odd fight/discussion with my mother (that occurred while writing this) my hope is crushed. She somehow managed to mentioned almost everything I had included in my deal, while making it clear that her opinion is that I do nothing to make anything better and it got clear to me that everything I thought was reasonable, isn't.
It made me sad and angry and it's when I feel that way, that I want get away from here the most. But I don't want to run away. I don't want to do things or make decisions out of spite or anger. But I can't stay on this roller coaster any longer either...
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