A current, perhaps interesting topic in my life is 'love'.
Let me give you the backstory:
In 2009 I had a boyfriend whom I broke up with after a month, but ended up staying with for two more months. It was short, but had a big impact, beause my mother found out about him just after we broke up. "Found out?" Yes, found out. My mother is a very conservative, strict, religious woman and does not approve of me even talking to guys if it's not absolutely necessary. All hell broke loose and I've been quite traumatized by the event. Regardless of the trauma, I did learn a thing or two from the relationship alone, so I set up three rules for myself:
- I have to be 20 before I start even thinking about dating again. (Cause it all got way too serious, way too fast and I was only 16/17 back then.)
- I have to get to know him well enough before even considering dating him. (It was like a rock-star crush; I admired him from afar, but didn't really know him well at all.)
- No dating anyone in my circle of friends. (Similar to the 'not dating anyone you work with' rule.)
- He has to be of the same faith as I am. (Both exes were extremely disrespectful of any religion and being a religious person, that doesn't work for me.)
- I have to be physically attracted to him. (As it turns out, I'm somewhat of an asexual, so I no more sexually attracted to them, than I was to anyone else. And they were sweet, but I didn't find them good looking at all. Regardless of sexual attraction, at least liking how your SO looks is still really important, I learned.)
- I have to be head over heels crazy for him. (Now really a rule, because this wasn't really the case and I shouldn't just go for any guy I have a crush on.)
Both of them got serious very fast, both started saying they loved me and both talked about the future a lot. Maybe I have commitment issues, but that freaked me the hell out. Both times I felt trapped, got awkward and uncomfortable and looked for the nearest escape exit. Staying with them while they were far more committed to the relationship than I was, just cause I was scared to break up didn't seem fair to me. Eventually feelings were going to get hurt regardless, so it was best to just stop anticipating the hurt feelings and just get it over with.
Even if I was the one doing the breaking up with them, it's still a bitter pill to swallow each time. I didn't want to do that again; hurt anyone when deep inside I knew from the start that that was going to happen... I decided I wouldn't get into a relationship again, unless I was sure I could give them a fair chance to get involved in something that wasn't doomed from the start. To make sure of that, I made an elaborate list of what's important to me in a guy, deal breakers, preferences, turnoffs and everything else I could think of. It turned into a description of what the perfect guy would be for me, and to keep it as accurate as possible I kept editing it and adding to it.
So far it's worked wonderfully. It may be a defense mechanism, it may be putting the bar unrealistically high, but holding on to The List and The Rules, I learned to control myself and avoid hurt feelings by putting knowledge ahead of feelings. I also found out that I get crushes all the time, but that they always pass, because there's always something about them I really don't like or some point that we clash on. The guys never made it past my rule about religion, and that became a deal breaker, pretty much ending any crush I had on anyone. Once or twice I'd get a bigger crush and still really like them, but since religion is incredibly important to me, I actively checked my list for other things the guy didn't correspond with. That seemed to do the trick, at least, to keep myself from acting on the feelings.
Now, not all the items on The List are equally important and of course I'm willing to look past minor things, but nevertheless, I run a tight ship when it comes to love. The home situation and my parents' approval greatly contributes to and affects the way I handle things. This goes back to the whole 'not getting into a relationship that never had a chance', because I know of myself that I'll find it incredibly hard to against my parents' wishes, still don't want to do things secretly and because of that will probably find my feelings for the guy to be less important. That may sound harsh and dumb, and with all the pondering about moving out recently, I've realized that I do let my parents have far too much influence on me and that I should stand up for myself and for what I want more.
But keep in mind I love my mentally unstable parents and their happiness is important to me. They don't even ask for much; just that the guy be of our faith as well. Luck has it though, that those guys never seem interesting to me, at least no more than as friends. I also realize that you might think that if I really love a guy, I'd choose for him, since I'd have to spend my life with him, not with my parents. But I'd like to keep both my parents and the guy in my life, and getting disowned by my parents for staying with the guy, is not that and would make me miserable. However dramatic that sounds, it's not an exaggeration, unfortunately.
Aside from that, I've only recently learned what love is. As I mentioned, the exes said they loved me, but I rarely replied or only hesitantly. I didn't really know if I loved them. I realized afterwards that I didn't and I wondered if I would ever experience love for anyone, if I could ever feel that close to and strongly about someone. I'm happy to say that I do and I understand it now. It's not a romantic love however, it's platonic. The guy I've been calling my best friend for maybe six months now, I love him. He knows me better than anyone and accepts everything about me; though some of his views are different from mine, I accept him for everything he is and I'll support him if he needs me to; I feel comfortable telling him anything; he never makes me feel bad or guilty about ranting and venting to him; he knows how to cheer me up, even if he probably doesn't know that; he supports me; he tells me his secrets and troubles as well, which makes me feel confided in and important to him; and I could go on and on. Around month ago I realized I never told him I see him as my best friend and I told him. He was happy about it and didn't say I was his, but that's perfectly fine. Because it doesn't make him less important to me, it doesn't change that I care about him, how I feel about him or how I treat him. (FYI, it's not a case of friend zoning, cause he doesn't swing that way, IYKWIM.)
Even if I was the one doing the breaking up with them, it's still a bitter pill to swallow each time. I didn't want to do that again; hurt anyone when deep inside I knew from the start that that was going to happen... I decided I wouldn't get into a relationship again, unless I was sure I could give them a fair chance to get involved in something that wasn't doomed from the start. To make sure of that, I made an elaborate list of what's important to me in a guy, deal breakers, preferences, turnoffs and everything else I could think of. It turned into a description of what the perfect guy would be for me, and to keep it as accurate as possible I kept editing it and adding to it.
So far it's worked wonderfully. It may be a defense mechanism, it may be putting the bar unrealistically high, but holding on to The List and The Rules, I learned to control myself and avoid hurt feelings by putting knowledge ahead of feelings. I also found out that I get crushes all the time, but that they always pass, because there's always something about them I really don't like or some point that we clash on. The guys never made it past my rule about religion, and that became a deal breaker, pretty much ending any crush I had on anyone. Once or twice I'd get a bigger crush and still really like them, but since religion is incredibly important to me, I actively checked my list for other things the guy didn't correspond with. That seemed to do the trick, at least, to keep myself from acting on the feelings.
Now, not all the items on The List are equally important and of course I'm willing to look past minor things, but nevertheless, I run a tight ship when it comes to love. The home situation and my parents' approval greatly contributes to and affects the way I handle things. This goes back to the whole 'not getting into a relationship that never had a chance', because I know of myself that I'll find it incredibly hard to against my parents' wishes, still don't want to do things secretly and because of that will probably find my feelings for the guy to be less important. That may sound harsh and dumb, and with all the pondering about moving out recently, I've realized that I do let my parents have far too much influence on me and that I should stand up for myself and for what I want more.
But keep in mind I love my mentally unstable parents and their happiness is important to me. They don't even ask for much; just that the guy be of our faith as well. Luck has it though, that those guys never seem interesting to me, at least no more than as friends. I also realize that you might think that if I really love a guy, I'd choose for him, since I'd have to spend my life with him, not with my parents. But I'd like to keep both my parents and the guy in my life, and getting disowned by my parents for staying with the guy, is not that and would make me miserable. However dramatic that sounds, it's not an exaggeration, unfortunately.
Aside from that, I've only recently learned what love is. As I mentioned, the exes said they loved me, but I rarely replied or only hesitantly. I didn't really know if I loved them. I realized afterwards that I didn't and I wondered if I would ever experience love for anyone, if I could ever feel that close to and strongly about someone. I'm happy to say that I do and I understand it now. It's not a romantic love however, it's platonic. The guy I've been calling my best friend for maybe six months now, I love him. He knows me better than anyone and accepts everything about me; though some of his views are different from mine, I accept him for everything he is and I'll support him if he needs me to; I feel comfortable telling him anything; he never makes me feel bad or guilty about ranting and venting to him; he knows how to cheer me up, even if he probably doesn't know that; he supports me; he tells me his secrets and troubles as well, which makes me feel confided in and important to him; and I could go on and on. Around month ago I realized I never told him I see him as my best friend and I told him. He was happy about it and didn't say I was his, but that's perfectly fine. Because it doesn't make him less important to me, it doesn't change that I care about him, how I feel about him or how I treat him. (FYI, it's not a case of friend zoning, cause he doesn't swing that way, IYKWIM.)
It took a good three to five years to build up the friendship and finding myself loving him. And after realizing what love is with 'best friend' as my measure, and thinking about the situation with my mother and how I feel about it, how I want to handle it; only after all that I realized that I love my mother. How bat shit crazy is that? Maybe the thing with my mother is more like Stockholm Syndrome, because she's my mother and even though she makes my life hard and awful, we'll always be connected and it's better to love her than not.
Either way though, it's safe to say I'm not very experienced in love and that I don't let people get so close to me very easily. At all. This also shows in the fact that I keep people at a distance with the aid of a freakin' list and in that I may get crushes all the time, big and small, but have never really fallen in love (which, in my understanding, is not the same as loving someone). Hence 'being head over heels for the guy' is a rule. I don't think being critical and demanding is a bad thing. It keeps me from doing things I'll regret and makes sure I'm available when the right guy does come along. As someone who believes in soul mates, I do believe he really will come and when he does, I will fall madly in love with him.
Now here's the kicker... A guy has come along and from day one I knew I was in trouble and that I would fall hard for him. And I have. He's absolutely amazing, almost everything I want in a guy, we're ridiculously compatible and he's just as crazy about me. He's not of the same faith though and along with that, there are some other important things we don't match on. But being in love now, I don't know if I should give it a chance anyway or stick to my principles and let him go...
He agreed on not doing things in secret and with him living three hours away, so we didn't take on an official relationship status and haven't met up since we got to know each other. He understood it would be hard for me to tell my parents and told me to take my time with it. But now over two months have passed and, although I know and can't stand how hard it is to be so far apart for so long, his patience is starting to run out. Do I take a chance and tell my parents? Do I wait and hope he'll be patient enough? Or do I take it as some sort of sign and stop things now? Just thinking about the latter makes my heart sink... But telling my parents would put everything in a rapid and make things a fuckton more serious in an instant. Which would mean that if things didn't work out, it would be that much more painful to put an end to it.
Jeez, man... Is life always going to keep throwing such dilemmas at me at such a rate?
Either way though, it's safe to say I'm not very experienced in love and that I don't let people get so close to me very easily. At all. This also shows in the fact that I keep people at a distance with the aid of a freakin' list and in that I may get crushes all the time, big and small, but have never really fallen in love (which, in my understanding, is not the same as loving someone). Hence 'being head over heels for the guy' is a rule. I don't think being critical and demanding is a bad thing. It keeps me from doing things I'll regret and makes sure I'm available when the right guy does come along. As someone who believes in soul mates, I do believe he really will come and when he does, I will fall madly in love with him.
Now here's the kicker... A guy has come along and from day one I knew I was in trouble and that I would fall hard for him. And I have. He's absolutely amazing, almost everything I want in a guy, we're ridiculously compatible and he's just as crazy about me. He's not of the same faith though and along with that, there are some other important things we don't match on. But being in love now, I don't know if I should give it a chance anyway or stick to my principles and let him go...
He agreed on not doing things in secret and with him living three hours away, so we didn't take on an official relationship status and haven't met up since we got to know each other. He understood it would be hard for me to tell my parents and told me to take my time with it. But now over two months have passed and, although I know and can't stand how hard it is to be so far apart for so long, his patience is starting to run out. Do I take a chance and tell my parents? Do I wait and hope he'll be patient enough? Or do I take it as some sort of sign and stop things now? Just thinking about the latter makes my heart sink... But telling my parents would put everything in a rapid and make things a fuckton more serious in an instant. Which would mean that if things didn't work out, it would be that much more painful to put an end to it.
Jeez, man... Is life always going to keep throwing such dilemmas at me at such a rate?
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