Sick

I'm sick. I'm barely eating, because almost everything tastes awful or makes me nauseated, I'm not hungry, or full after two bites, or I simply refuse to eat, even if I am hungry. I don't know if I'm lovesick, if it's the ADD, if I'm bipolar or if it's just from all the brain-wrecking. I've been feeling depressed for months now, but even more so the past few weeks. Which is striking, cause it's been peaceful at home and it's actually been warmer and sunnier, so logically, I should be feeling better and happier, but I feel worse.

It's as if nothing really matters, like none of my goals and ambitions are worthwhile, and I can barely get myself to do anything, cause I keep wondering what the point of it all is anyway. So I don't do anything and I don't care that I'm being useless, but it bothers me that I feel like an unmotivated, unambitious loser. What am I living for? What am I working towards? I don't know.
It just makes me want to lie in bed and be asleep, cause I don't have the energy to do anything or to think any more. So sometimes I sleep, or at least don't leave my bed, for over sixteen hours. Of course, I tend do that when I feel good as well, but lazing around and enjoying a stress free day is obviously different from hiding from the world and trying to escape into sleep.

I do have my happier moments, but they are fleeting. Sometimes they are enough to create a momentum for me and I start doing something. When I do, I try my hardest to stay in the game as long as possible and finish as much as possible and then some. It feels good to be able to cross things off my to-do-list and it makes me feel somewhat productive, but I still don't get much satisfaction from it. Mostly, I'm trying to keep myself busy by forcing myself to keep going as long as possible and refusing to go to bed even when I'm exhausted. Which is another thing I also do when I feel good, but then I stay up to have fun instead and don't go past the point of exhaustion.
Overworking and depriving myself of sleep seems like the only way to keep my mind at ease, as it's preoccupied with relatively positive things, rather than the dilemmas that keep circling in my head over and over and over again to no end. I know the way to stop these seemingly never-ending thoughts; I should talk about it with the people those thoughts are about. But I don't know how. It's scary. It will set things in motion and cause change. And since most possible outcomes are lose-either-way-situations, it feels better to stay frozen where I am. Except that 'here' isn't frozen and is becoming an increasingly awful place to be too...

I'm aware of the destructiveness of my behavior, but quite frankly, I don't care. I don't plan on changing anything about it. If anything, I'm curious about my limits, I want to know how long it will take before I can't stand it anymore and what will happen at that point. 

Maybe I'm just sick in the head...