Een vreemde manier van leven?

Laatst ontmoette ik op een bruiloft een neef, die ik in jaren niet had gezien. We raakten aan de praat. Hij vertelde hoe hij op dit moment leeft.
Vreemd! Hij had gekozen om in armoede te leven. Vrijwillig gekozen armoede. Hj beweerde dat hij daar gelukkig van werd. Samen met drie vrouwen woont hij in een klein arbeidershuisje in de Indische Buurt in Amsterdam. Met een klein baantje verdienen zij een beetje geld. Daarvan leven zij en betalen zij de huur. Ze hebben een huiskamer ingericht voor prostituees, die met tippelen hun geld verdienen. Geld dat zij vaak nodig hebben voor drugs. Van zulke vrouwen en meisjes zijn er nogal wat in Amsterdam, vertelde hij. Ze zijn, volgens hem, praktisch vogelvrij. Soms hebben ze een 'vriend', die hen steeds ook weer 'de baan' opstuurt.
"Verder hebben ze niemand", zei Kees. "Werkelijk niemand". Hoerenlopers en dealers maken misbruik van hen, buurtbewoners jagen hen weg, de gemeente wil er officieel niks mee te maken hebben. Iedereen ziet deze vrouwen als een probleem dat zo gauw mogelijk uitgebannen moet worden. Er zijn maar weinig mensen, die deze vrouwen ook als mens ziet. Als een mens, die in de problemen zit."
Dat vertelde Kees allemaal. Die groep van hem biedt die vrouwen een veilige, warme plek om te schuilen, soep en brood, een douche, wat menselijke aandacht en warmte.
"Hoe kun je daar nou gelukkig van worden?", vroeg ik.
"Dat lijkt me juist vragen om inbrekers!", reageerde ik.
"Nee hoor. Iedereen mag en kan gewoon binnenkomen om een boterham te nemen, een groet achter te laten, een nachtje te slapen. En dat gebeurt ook vaak.
Kijk, er is niets te halen van materiële waarde. Zodoende hebben we veel kostelijke ontmoetingen gehad. Ja, en als er eens iemand iets uit ons huis meenam, dan dachten we: 'Die zal het wel harder nodig gehad hebben dan wij'. We zijn er heel tevreden mee."
Nou was ik zelf op dat moment verwikkeld in een akelige erfeniskwestie die mijn bloed liet koken. Ik was daar vol van. Dus ik vertelde hem daarover. Mijn vader was een paar jaar geleden gestorven. Mijn drie broers werkten in het bedrijf van mijn vader. Ik zelf ben een heel andere kant op gegaan. Ik geef les aan een havo. Na de dood van mijn vader -mijn moeder was al eerder gestorven- wilden mijn broers zijn geld, dat hij allemaal in dat bedrijf had zitten, in het bedrijf laten.
Als ze mij mijn deel van de erfenis zouden geven dan zou het bedrijf over de kop gaat. Ik zou toch ook wel willen dat op die manier het levenswerk van mijn vader zou worden voortgezet, dachten zij...
Nou, dat wilde ik ook wel, maar ik vond dat ze dan maar dat geld bij een bank moesten lenen en mij mijn deel van de erfenis moesten geven. Dat wilden ze niet. En er was ook niks per testament geregeld door mijn vader. Dus, ik overwoog om dan maar naar de rechter te stappen om mijn recht te halen. Dan riskeerde ik natuurlijk wel een breuk met mijn familie. Enfin, pesterijen over en weer, je kent dat wel. Bitterheid alom...
Zegt Kees tegen mij: "Zijn die rotcenten je dat allemaal waard? Waarom zie je er niet gewoon vanaf je recht te halen? Dat is toch veel beter voor je gemoedsrust. Laat toch lopen man! Wat zal je je al die ellende op je nek halen voor honderdvijftigduizend gulden? Ik laat me nog niet voor een miljoen ongelukkig maken ... Dat is toch je ziel aan de duivel verkopen!"
Nou ja, wat vind je daar nu van?

What is love...

according to children ages 4-8?


'When my grandmother got arthritis,
she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time,
even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca - age 8


'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4


'Love is when a girl puts on perfume
and a boy puts on shaving cologne
and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5


'Love is when you go out to eat
and give somebody most of your French fries
without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age 6


'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4


'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy
and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7


'Love is when you kiss all the time.
Then when you get tired of kissing,
you still want to be together and you talk more.
My mommy and daddy are like that.
They look gross when they kiss'
Emily - age 8


'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas
if you stop opening presents and listen.'
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)


'If you want to learn to love better,
you should start with a friend who you hate,'
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)


'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt,
then he wears it everyday.'
Noelle - age 7


'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends
even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6


'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared.
I looked at all the people watching me
and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that.
I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8


'My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 6


'Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.'
Elaine-age 5


'Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty
and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'
Chris - age 7


'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day..'
Mary Ann - age 4


'I know my older sister loves me
because she gives me all her old clothes
and has to go out and buy new ones.'
Lauren - age 4


'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down
and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)
Karen - age 7


'You really shouldn't say 'I love you', unless you mean it.
But if you mean it, you should say it a lot.. People forget.'
Jessica - age 8


And the final one:
a four year old child whose next door neighbor
was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry,
the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard,
climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his mother asked what he had said to the neighbor,
the little boy said: 'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

Day of Liberty.

Today, we celebrate freedom in Holland. Escape from the Nazi-claws. We all know freedom and peace aren't as obvious everywhere in the world, as they are here. We know it, but do we realize it?

Last night I had a conversation with a someone. I asked them if they knew how amazing they were. They didn't. Since a wise man called Socrates once said 'know thyself'. I thought I'd help that person out and I explained it to them. They got embarassed, but that's only another great thing about them: modesty. Then they thanked me, but I told them that they all did it themselves. They got more embarassd.

But it's true, isn't it? You choose to be who you are. Think about it: does it matter where you came from, what you look like, whether you're disabled, old or young... if you're an asshole? No. Cause you can be an incredibly handsome, young foreign asshole or you can be a grumpy old asshole in a wheelchair, but you're still an asshole!

And just like a bad name like that can be given to anyone, a good name can be too. Cause anyone can be amazing or nice. Anyone can be beautiful, helpful, kind, loving or fun. And if it doesn't come naturally, that's okay. Just remember that whoever or whatever you are: everyone has good qualities, some people just don't let them stand out or haven't found them yet. Also remember that YOU or any other person can always be better OR worse. If they choose to be.

If someone tells you to do this or not to that, to go or to stay, to be or buy or whatever... it's still YOUR choice. People can influence you, sure, they can pressure you, but no one can ever completely control your mind. At least to my knowledge. It's YOUR coice. You ALWAYS have a choice. No matter where you're from or where you ARE.

You see, today, I celebrate. For the freedom I experience right now. I cheer on the heroes that fought for freedom 65 years ago... But I also applaude for the civillians in CURRENT war-area's, scared to death, WAITING for peace and freedom. And I salute the brave civillians among them, that fight for freedom NOW. Just like the resistance fighters in the second world war, they fight now for their unnamed war. They don't have to, but for freedom; they CHOOSE to.

Choices are made every second of every day. The best time to choose or change for sake of the better, is right now! Whether 'good' means going for green, recycling, helping your little brother or visiting your old, lonely neighbour... Any little thing makes a difference. But for all mans sake... please, choose peace. Thank you.

Cheer the frig up

Check out this site!
Jellio.com sells stuff so nostalgic.
It brings back memories, that you didn't even know you had!

Why it is important to be in touch with your feelings?
When you are in touch with your own feelings, you...

• ...become a more real and authentic person.
• ...become more honest with yourself about who you are, where you have come from and where you are going.
• ...begin to be more willing to take risks and become more vulnerable and intimate in interpersonal relationships.
• ...cease being in denial, about what is really happening in your life.
  ...no longer pull in and hide, so that you become invisible to yourself and others.
• ...take the risk of no longer disassociating or becoming numb, when things are going on in your life which are negative or overwhelming.
• ...make yourself stay conscious to the reality of your life, so that you are able to recall or remember it in the future, rather than to have no memory of it.
• ...push yourself to have a broadened or enriched emotional vocabulary, to describe the experiences of your life.
• ...cease viewing life from a black or white perspective and become more willing to take the gray into account.
• ...open yourself up to grieve the losses in your life, so that you no longer use denial, repression, suppression or delusion, to describe your life the way you wanted it to be, but rather describe your life the way it really was.
• ...allow yourself to become a congruent healthy human being, who uses rational, reality-based thinking to assist your feelings, to become rational and reality-based, so that the actions and behaviors which follow, are also rational and reality-based.
• ...are open to the spirit of your inner child, who allows you to enjoy your life to the fullest, without the constraints or restrictions of how you "should'' think, feel or act.
• ...live life moment-to-moment, day-to-day, and become reasonably happy realizing that feelings are a natural, human process.
• ...begin to accept that feeling all feelings is OK and that there is no right or wrong feeling.
• ...become open to experience the full continuum of emotions, from the most painfully negative to the most exhilaratingly positive.
• ...grow in the ability to listen, understand and be empathetic to other people's verbal and nonverbal expressions of feelings and emotions.

There are three major reasons why you may currently be out of touch with your own feelings.

1. Non-feeling personality pattern
   This pattern is also known as alexathemia: the absence of feeling, emotionally laden vocabulary and experience.
2. Pulling-in personality pattern
   This is a withdrawal pattern, in which you resort to a low profile or invisibility, to hold in emotions, in order to avoid being dragged into the conflicts and troubles going on around you in life.
3. Disassociation
   This is a survival pattern of becoming numb or disconnected from the emotions that accompany an event which is unpleasant, threatening, abusive, violent, uncomfortable or challenging to you. This pattern enables you to terminate an association with the event so as to survive the event and get on with your life.

Affirmations
The following are positive, rational, reality-based affirmations you may want to use in mirror work and journal writing, in order to facilitate your ability to identify and express your feelings:

• It is healthy to feel your feelings.
• There is no such thing as a right or wrong feeling.
• All feelings are OK.
• It is OK to feel what I am feeling now.
• No one can take what I am currently feeling, away from me.
• I have a right to feel my feelings.
• No one can judge me wrong for feeling the feelings I experience in my life.
• It is OK to have negative feelings and to identify and express them freely.
• I am feeling feelings every second of my waking hours.
• Identifying and expressing my feelings makes me a real and authentic human being.
• No one can deny me my feelings.
• No one can tell me how I should be feeling.
• No one has the right to make me feel bad or guilty for the feelings I am feeling.
• I am more alive and vigorous when I am in touch with my feelings.
• I have a right to have my feelings be visible, seen and heard by others.
• I will no longer hide my feelings and emotions from myself and the others in my life.
• I deserve to give and receive honest feedback about my feelings toward persons, places, things and events in my life.
• I deserve to have my feelings listened to by others.
• I choose to feel my feelings, be they positive or negative, so that I cease being numb to my life.
• I have the right to experience the grief and mourning emotions which I will feel as I face the losses in my life.
• I will heal and grow as I become more in touch with my feelings.
• I will "grow down'' more as I open myself up to get in touch with my feelings

How to improve the identification and experiencing of your feelings
To help you get in touch with your feelings you can do one or more of the following.

• Keep a daily feelings log.
• Keep a daily journal, identifying what happened to you in the day and how it made you feel.
• Work on identifying the losses you experienced in your life and grieve the loss of them, by using the strategies for handling losses in Tools for Handling Loss.
• Do anger workouts on an as needed basis and do the anger work strategies as identified in Tools for Anger Workout.
• Use effective listening and responding techniques in your communications with others, so that you are able to express your feelings, listen to and understand the feelings of others, and respond to them to reflect this understanding. This work is more fully explained in Tools for Communications.
• Read books about others whose life histories are similar to yours and see how they express their feelings about their life experiences. Use these others' words as role models for your own emotional expression.
• Attend a weekly support group, to experience the active identification of feelings in the giving and receiving of support. Use The SEA's Manual to help you and others to conduct your support program with a SEA's program emphasis.

Steps to help you get in touch with your feelings.
Step 1:
In your journal, identify what obstacles currently keeps you out of touch with your feelings. Such as if you have any of the following:

• Non-feeling personality style
• Pulling-in personality style
• Disassociation

Once you decide the obstacles, then describe specific events from your past where you used these styles of behavior and how they helped you survive those events. Then, looking at your current life, describe for yourself how these survival techniques are no longer productive for you.

Step 2:
Once you have identified the obstacles to being in touch with your feelings, then identify in your journal what messages you have given yourself in the past to keep you from identifying, experiencing or expressing your feelings.

Step 3:
After you have identified the negative messages you have given yourself to keep you out of touch with your feelings, then in your journal identify healthy self-affirmations which will encourage you to identify, experience and express your feelings on a daily basis.

Step 4:
Use your affirmations for getting in touch with your feelings on a daily basis and then in your journal for the next thirty days keep a "Feelings Log.'' Use the following directions to do the Feelings Log.

Step 5: If after 30 days of keeping a "Feelings Log'' you are still not better able to get in touch with your feelings, return to Step 1 and begin again.

Feelings Log Directions
1. In your journal on a daily basis for the next thirty days, record feelings you are experiencing.
For each day record distinct parts of the day for which you are identifying feelings.
For example:

• Morning--rising and breakfast.
• Morning--at work (school, home).
• Afternoon--lunch.
• Afternoon--back at job (school, home).
• Early evening--on way home.
• Evening dinner.
• Later evening.
• Pre-retiring to bed.

2. For each part of the day, identify the following:

• What I was feeling.
• The stimulus for the feeling.
• What, if anything, I did as a result of this feeling.
• How others reacted to what I did.

3. To help you identify the feelings experienced, use the list of feeling words below.

Feeling Words
Use these lists of words to help you try to get in touch with your own feelings. Also use this list as you listen for the feelings of others in your conversations. Try to identify what you are feeling and at the same time try to identify what the other person's feeling.
Positive Feelings
Love, affection, concern, interest, absorbed, altruistic, brotherly, congenial, admired, amiable, caring, conscientious, adorable, benevolent, charitable, considerate, benign, cooperative, big-hearted, compassionate, cordial, agreeable, honest, comforting.
Negative Feelings
Depressed, sad, abandoned, despised, horrible, pathetic, alien, despondent, humiliated, pitiful, alienated, aching, disliked, impatient, skeptical, afflicted, displeased, imprisoned, speechless, agonized, dissatisfied, injured, strained, anguished, doubtful, bullied, shaky, worrying, embarrassed, shocked, abused, diminished, ridiculed, belittled, flimsy, fuming, irritated.


Source/Bron: Getting in touch with Feelings

Ik heb het een beetje moeilijk.
Ik weet niet wat ik wil met m'n toekomst, maar om daar naar te kunnen kijken, moet ik eerst focussen op het heden en wie ik NU ben. Daar heb ik geen idee van.
Ik wil heel graag anders zijn dan ik was; eindelijk dat goede, blije persoontje worden naar wie ik streef te zijn. En niet meer de depressieve pessimist.
Daarvoor zou ik met een schone lei moeten beginnen. Dat jullie me practisch pas kennen, komt dus goed uit. Ik moet wel zeggen dat jullie me nu al beter kennen dan een heleboel mensen. En buiten familie ook de enige, geloof ik. Anonieme of kilometers-ver-weg-zijnde internet figuren niet meegeteld. Daar heb ik ook al lang geen contact mee.

Ik zou nu natuurlijk wel kunnen doen alsof ik gewoon ben wie ik ben, maar wie ik was en ben geweest zal altijd wel een deel van me blijven. Voor mij lijkt het dus logische dat ik pas m'n volledige zelf kan zijn, als ik 'accepteer' dat ik ben geweest hoe ik was.
Het klinkt misschien als een hoop overdreven gedoe, maar wie weet werkt het wel. It's worth a shot. En als ik gewoon doe alsof ik er niets mee te verliezen heb, zal ik het misschien nog kunnen vertellen ook. Schamen zal ik me sowieso, maar daar kom ik wel overheen.
Ik zal binnenkort een samenvatting proberen te geven van waar ik me allemaal over heb opgefokt en dat soort dingen. Als dat iemand zou interesseren dan, zoniet dan heb ik het tenminste uit m'n systeem, voor mezelf.

Ik heb een beetje voor mezelf duidelijk gekregen dat het (volgens mij dan) gaat om het verleden af te sluiten, duidelijk krijgen wie en hoe ik ben en een beetje een beeld van m'n toekomst te krijgen. Ik denk dat ik dat ook zo in die volgorde moet doen, ongeveer dan. Ik had wel door dat ik nu toch wel heel erg anders ben, hoewel sommige dingen zich op het moment lijken te herhalen, maar beetje bij beetje ben ik zo erg veranderd dat ik even moet bijmeten hoe anders ik ben en waarin precies.

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M'n leven bestaat nu echt alleen even uit school, schrijven en praten. Wauw. Ik ben echt opnieuw aan het beginnen. Het jaartje geen school is dus best perfect geplanned.

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Op het moment mag ik mezelf echt totaal niet. Ik vind mezelf een irritant, egoïstisch, dom zeikwijf. Misschien wel omdat ik irritant veel loop te zeiken over m'n domme kwaaltjes. Misschien juist door opmerkingen zoals de vorige zin. Ik weet het niet, misschien zit het allemaal wel alleen in m'n hoofd en komt het juist omdat ik tegen mezelf loop te zeuren de hele tijd. Het is gekmakend.
Hoe dan ook, ik moet zeggen dat ik dit wel herken uit een eerdere tijd. Het verschil is dat ik mezelf er toen zowat om ging haten en vast ook in zelfmedelijden ging zwelgen (ja, het was walgelijk). Nu kan ik dat zo veel mogelijk overslaan en gelijk doorgaan naar het deel waar ik er wat aan ga doen.