Love

Oh the art of spamming! Had I known it's so much like freewriting and that neither has to be nonsense, I would have made much more blog posts over the years. I know I have a knack for not being able to shut up about certain things, but how silly of me not to realize I can vent that to the internet!

A current, perhaps interesting topic in my life is 'love'.

Let me give you the backstory:
In 2009 I had a boyfriend whom I broke up with after a month, but ended up staying with for two more months. It was short, but had a big impact, beause my mother found out about him just after we broke up. "Found out?" Yes, found out. My  mother is a very conservative, strict, religious woman and does not approve of me even talking to guys if it's not absolutely necessary. All hell broke loose and I've been quite traumatized by the event. Regardless of the trauma, I did learn a thing or two from the relationship alone, so I set up three rules for myself:

• I have to be 20 before I start even thinking about dating again. (Cause it all got way too serious, way too fast and I was only 16/17 back then.)
• I have to get to know him well enough before even considering dating him. (It was like a rock-star crush; I admired him from afar, but didn't really know him well at all.)
• No dating anyone in my circle of friends. (Similar to the 'not dating anyone you work with' rule.)

I could only break the rules if I was really head over heels crazy for the guy. About six months later, I decided that was the case, tossed the 'not before I'm 20' rule out the window and got myself into a relationship again. It lasted seven months and ended in June 2010. That was my longest, most serious and so far, last relationship. After that I added some more rules and actually, really stuck by 'em.

• He has to be of the same faith as I am. (Both exes were extremely disrespectful of any religion and being a religious person, that doesn't work for me.)
• I have to be physically attracted to him. (As it turns out, I'm somewhat of an asexual, so I no more sexually attracted to them, than I was to anyone else. And they were sweet, but I didn't find them good looking at all. Regardless of sexual attraction, at least liking how your SO looks is still really important, I learned.)
• I have to be head over heels crazy for him. (Now really a rule, because this wasn't really the case and I shouldn't just go for any guy I have a crush on.)

Both of them got serious very fast, both started saying they loved me and both talked about the future a lot. Maybe I have commitment issues, but that freaked me the hell out. Both times I felt trapped, got awkward and uncomfortable and looked for the nearest escape exit. Staying with them while they were far more committed to the relationship than I was, just cause I was scared to break up didn't seem fair to me. Eventually feelings were going to get hurt regardless, so it was best to just stop anticipating the hurt feelings and just get it over with.

Even if I was the one doing the breaking up with them, it's still a bitter pill to swallow each time. I didn't want to do that again; hurt anyone when deep inside I knew from the start that that was going to happen... I decided I wouldn't get into a relationship again, unless I was sure I could give them a fair chance to get involved in something that wasn't doomed from the start. To make sure of that, I made an elaborate list of what's important to me in a guy, deal breakers, preferences, turnoffs and everything else I could think of. It turned into a description of what the perfect guy would be for me, and to keep it as accurate as possible I kept editing it and adding to it.

So far it's worked wonderfully. It may be a defense mechanism, it may be putting the bar unrealistically high, but holding on to The List and The Rules, I learned to control myself and avoid hurt feelings by putting knowledge ahead of feelings. I also found out that I get crushes all the time, but that they always pass, because there's always something about them I really don't like or some point that we clash on. The guys never made it past my rule about religion, and that became a deal breaker, pretty much ending any crush I had on anyone. Once or twice I'd get a bigger crush and still really like them, but since religion is incredibly important to me, I actively checked my list for other things the guy didn't correspond with. That seemed to do the trick, at least, to keep myself from acting on the feelings.

Now, not all the items on The List are equally important and of course I'm willing to look past minor things, but nevertheless, I run a tight ship when it comes to love. The home situation and my parents' approval greatly contributes to and affects the way I handle things. This goes back to the whole 'not getting into a relationship that never had a chance', because I know of myself that I'll find it incredibly hard to against my parents' wishes, still don't want to do things secretly and because of that will probably find my feelings for the guy to be less important. That may sound harsh and dumb, and with all the pondering about moving out recently, I've realized that I do let my parents have far too much influence on me and that I should stand up for myself and for what I want more.

But keep in mind I love my mentally unstable parents and their happiness is important to me. They don't even ask for much; just that the guy be of our faith as well. Luck has it though, that those guys never seem interesting to me, at least no more than as friends. I also realize that you might think that if I really love a guy, I'd choose for him, since I'd have to spend my life with him, not with my parents. But I'd like to keep both my parents and the guy in my life, and getting disowned by my parents for staying with the guy, is not that and would make me miserable. However dramatic that sounds, it's not an exaggeration, unfortunately.

Aside from that, I've only recently learned what love is. As I mentioned, the exes said they loved me, but I rarely replied or only hesitantly. I didn't really know if I loved them. I realized afterwards that I didn't and I wondered if I would ever experience love for anyone, if I could ever feel that close to and strongly about someone. I'm happy to say that I do and I understand it now. It's not a romantic love however, it's platonic. The guy I've been calling my best friend for maybe six months now, I love him. He knows me better than anyone and accepts everything about me; though some of his views are different from mine, I accept him for everything he is and I'll support him if he needs me to; I feel comfortable telling him anything; he never makes me feel bad or guilty about ranting and venting to him; he knows how to cheer me up, even if he probably doesn't know that; he supports me; he tells me his secrets and troubles as well, which makes me feel confided in and important to him; and I could go on and on. Around month ago I realized I never told him I see him as my best friend and I told him. He was happy about it and didn't say I was his, but that's perfectly fine. Because it doesn't make him less important to me, it doesn't change that I care about him, how I feel about him or how I treat him. (FYI, it's not a case of friend zoning, cause he doesn't swing that way, IYKWIM.)

It took a good three to five years to build up the friendship and finding myself loving him. And after realizing what love is with 'best friend' as my measure, and thinking about the situation with my mother and how I feel about it, how I want to handle it; only after all that I realized that I love my mother. How bat shit crazy is that? Maybe the thing with my mother is more like Stockholm Syndrome, because she's my mother and even though she makes my life hard and awful, we'll always be connected and it's better to love her than not.

Either way though, it's safe to say I'm not very experienced in love and that I don't let people get so close to me very easily. At all. This also shows in the fact that I keep people at a distance with the aid of a freakin' list and in that I may get crushes all the time, big and small, but have never really fallen in love (which, in my understanding, is not the same as loving someone). Hence 'being head over heels for the guy' is a rule. I don't think being critical and demanding is a bad thing. It keeps me from doing things I'll regret and makes sure I'm available when the right guy does come along. As someone who believes in soul mates, I do believe he really will come and when he does, I will fall madly in love with him.

Now here's the kicker... A guy has come along and from day one I knew I was in trouble and that I would fall hard for him. And I have. He's absolutely amazing, almost everything I want in a guy, we're ridiculously compatible and he's just as crazy about me. He's not of the same faith though and along with that, there are some other important things we don't match on. But being in love now, I don't know if I should give it a chance anyway or stick to my principles and let him go...
He agreed on not doing things in secret and with him living three hours away, so we didn't take on an official relationship status and haven't met up since we got to know each other. He understood it would be hard for me to tell my parents and told me to take my time with it. But now over two months have passed and, although I know and can't stand how hard it is to be so far apart for so long, his patience is starting to run out. Do I take a chance and tell my parents? Do I wait and hope he'll be patient enough? Or do I take it as some sort of sign and stop things now? Just thinking about the latter makes my heart sink... But telling my parents would put everything in a rapid and make things a fuckton more serious in an instant. Which would mean that if things didn't work out, it would be that much more painful to put an end to it.

Jeez, man... Is life always going to keep throwing such dilemmas at me at such a  rate?

Misery

I can't take it anymore... I don't even know what to write. I feel exactly like I did back when I was twelve. When I was depressed. I hate this. I don't wanna fall back into the pit. But I feel like I'm being pushed and put down, pressed into the ground till I'm in so far deep, I'm back down in that hole anyway.
I've been crying far too much and smiling far too little.
I don't want to listen to the music I did back then and relate like I did back then. I was past that! I moved on. I thought I could be happy...

I see all these inspirational quotes about being happy and being a loving, forgiving person and I completely agree, but it just doesn't seem to work on a depressed, irrational mother. I want it to work and I don't want to give up on it, but I feel like a fly trying to get outside by consistently flying into a closed window. I know it's there and I want to get there so badly, but it's just not happening.

Back then, I didn't have anyone to turn to. Now I have friends, but I don't know who to turn to. They know my story, but who understands? I keep hearing how I should just leave, or just not care and tell her exactly how things are. Or contrarily, how I should not take it so hard or take solace in the thought that I'm really not the only one that goes through this.

My mother keeps telling me I should behave properly, like a girl from my background and our religion, not like a black girl or a white girl or a Christian or a Jew or anything other than 'what I am'. Certainly not like a blond, blue eyed white girl. And that none of those girls act the way I do. Hearing what a terrible daughter I am - in perspective! That sure is motivating...

She keeps talking about how, other than the people in this very household, your first family, no one can't be trusted. That she wants to protect me. And I have indeed been hurt by girls I thought were my best friends, but I've learned from it. I've grown into a stronger, wiser person because of it. No thanks to her though.
Wasn't she supposed to be the one person I am always supposed to be able to go to for love, support and understanding? While I felt hurt and betrayed by my first and only friends of five years, she was clueless of that fact and kept on trying to 'protect me' from the outside world, by trying to scare me and putting me down.

According to her, I can't do anything right and I will never be able to live with other people being the way I am. That's what I've listened to over the years. For years I was anxious about my clumsiness and awkwardness, but I've grown more confident than most people around me. I'd gotten over the idea that I can't do anything right, I've learned people accept me with all my weirdness, clumsiness and silliness and I've learned to accept myself. But only now do I realize I still believe her words. To her I still can't do things right and I'm scared to move out, because I'm scared I wont make it on my own and I'm scared to live with roommates, cause I fear I'd be too difficult to live with.

Of all the people in the world, she is the only one who keeps hurting me over and over and over again, the only one I've allowed to hurt me for such a long time. So why do I keep letting her? Why do I still want her approval? Why do I feel like I'm the horrible person here for wanting to leave?

This situation sucks. I feel stuck. Whatever I do, it's wrong. I never know what she'll think. There are rare occasions when she's rational, or at least tries to be and I have hope that that side of her is who she really is underneath all the crazy and that it's the depression that takes over and makes her be insane. But that's what I hope, I don't know if it's true. Maybe she really is the way she usually is.

I've experienced firsthand that you control your own happiness -to the most extent anyway. It's hard to do something about fucked up hormones and neurons, like when you're depressed. But you can choose whether you're reactive or proactive; you can choose how you react to things, events and other people. I find that adults should know this and be in control of their own lives and emotions as much as they can be. I try to be that way myself, but I know my mother isn't. Based on having lived with her for almost 21 years, I feel like leaving would make her feel out of control, stressed, angry, guilty, sad, even more depressed and lonely... I've heard her cry before and I've seen her curled up as a tiny little ball, crawled up in a corner, crying before... It's heartbreaking. It's my fault. I never know what to do. And knowing my actions (moving out) would cause that in tenfold can't get past my conscious.

I don't fucking want to abandon her, but I can't fucking stay here either! I know I'm not in control of her happiness (clearly, or I would've done something right), but apparently I do affect her misery. Negatively. I can keep trying to be the perfect daughter to her, but well.. I already covered that in the last post...

Moving out

In less than two months I am going to be 21. The earliest record I have of not wanting to live here with my parents, is from back when I was 14. It's a list of things I'd need to bring with me to survive and live properly if I were to run away. I know it had been on my mind much longer than that, but by then I started considering it more and more and taking the thought more seriously. I remember I never being much of an impulse buyer, but I started becoming even less materialistic, so that when push came to shove, I could just grab everything I needed and wanted and get outta here. Minimalism, a desire to be on the move (migrate, travel), relying on myself and becoming as independent as possible... They've all become some of the most important parts of who I am, along with the thought that everything is evanescent.

That may have a depressing tone to it, but it's just as much liberating. It helps to not become too attached to anything and to think things through before you consciously decide to bond. It helps not to get upset about little things and opens you up to see more important things. Not letting yourself be defined by your possessions, your income, your clothes or looks does wonders for your self esteem and confidence. I started looking within and wondered what I had to do to become a person that could survive.

I realize that it sketches a rather gloomy image: a fourteen year old girl worrying about these things instead of about typical things like grades, what to wear, whether that boy notices her and that misunderstanding with her friend. But I was depressed back then... Grades weren't the top of my concern, but I got by on average grades. I didn't care much about looking good or cute (refer back to the previous paragraph), had too low self esteem to consider any guy would ever notice me and I didn't have any friends. Aside from surviving, I also wondered what I had to do to become a person I would like to be friends with, someone I would admire, someone I wouldn't find annoying... but that's all a different story.

For years I wanted to run away, but I never once did. As I got older and less depressed, the plan changed, little by little. At one point I was counting down the days till I'd turn 18. The dream was to buy a hippie van, find a friend with drivers license to get it to my house at midnight on my birthday, help me load in all my stuff and just bail. But the more I approached eighteen, the better things got at home. I was also in the middle of my high school exams and I wasn't going to mess that up after so many years of convincing myself to wait with the running away, cause I didn't want to be a high school drop out.

After high school I worked for a year and my mother completely mellowed out for some reason and the desire to move out wasn't so apparent anymore. I started seeing things differently and should I leave home, I wouldn't run away and cut off all contact, but rather move out. When I started going to college after that year, things got stricter again and since I started actually doing homework and needed to do more outside of school, I realized I wanted to be more independent, to live by my own rules and in my own space. I wanted to move away, but for inherently different reasons than before. Because I behaved a little more responsible, I grew to act a little more adult, I cultivated a desire to grow up even more. And the environment wasn't optimal for that.

And now, halfway though my second year of college, I've thought about moving out quite often; one time being absolutely certain I should, the other time doubting whether it really is such a good idea. I've made a list of pro's and con's, with calculations and considerations and I've come to the conclusion... It's hard either way.

Living with my parents is just as easy as it not. I don't have to do all the grocery shopping, I don't have to cook for myself, I do my own laundry, I get nagged to help around the house more, but rarely really have to and I get reminded to do something about my faith, which is done in an annoying way, but I appreciate the thought. I can live the lazy life! That may sound nice, but as a person that has lots of goals, ambitions, dreams  and desires to be more, it's not so great.
I feel like a caged bird with clipped wings. I don't mind eating the bird seeds my owner feeds me, but I want to spread my wings, fly over large fields and eat worms I fought for and berries I found on my own. I want to see the world, sing the songs I like and fly with other birds.
I want disapproved clothes to stop disappearing, sleep and eat when I deem it's the right time to do so, walk around in my underpants and sleep naked. I want to be able to study and do my things without being bothered constantly. I want my trustworthiness to stop being called into question constantly, to stop being affected by my mother's mood swings, stop feeling guilty and overly conscious of everything I do because of her emotional blackmail and to stop being bothered or jealous of the thought that my brother gets favored.

Moving out seems like a simple choice if you see that, but I know living on my own wouldn't exactly be a walk in the park either. Attending class, having an internship, doing homework, doing the groceries, cleaning, laundry, dishes, cooking for myself and other household chores, taking care of myself, working a job to pay for everything, keeping up with my social life, working on religion... It would be stressful and downright exhausting! But I would be making myself useful, I would become much more responsible and independent, which is something I would love a great deal. I'd struggle and fall on my face a lot, but after a while I would get the hang of it, have my own system and manage just fine. The only way to fail is giving up instead of getting up!

However, the bigger ordeal is my guilty conscience. Having a depressed 'single' mom that doesn't approve of anything you do is tough. I keep trying to get her trust, to not upset her or disappoint her, maybe even make her proud, but that's hard when there's no foundation to build on. When I was younger, she didn't tell me stuff, because it would be inappropriate to tell a child, but around the time I was nine, things happened, so I shut everyone out. Especially my mother, cause she never had an idea of how to handle me when I'm upset and in fact made everything worse. My childbrain thought that she should just know that and use those mother instincts she was always talking about. Eleven years later I still don't tell her anything, because she still doesn't know how to handle me, still treats me the same way, still doesn't tell me anything and still is one of the main reasons I usually feel bad.
I would like to have a bond with at least one of my parents and due to my dad's illness, I have even less with him than I have with my mom. But going for a mature mother-daughter relationship when she doesn't want to leave the parent-child stadium doesn't work. I find myself to be stuck in this stadium, cause it's hard to break ingrained habits of reacting a certain way. It takes conscious effort to change the patterns and not fall back and it's even harder when those efforts are met with counteraction, that in turn are irritating to me and lead to one of those knee-jerk reactions I'm trying to unlearn.

Disappointing, upsetting, angering her, making her unhappy, breaking her trust, causing stress or anything similar to that is the last thing I want to do! Especially because of her depression. Since she does not approve of me moving out, this causes quite a dilemma. Trying to live up to expectations that require me to be a completely different person... None of my options seem realistic or doable without causing unhappiness.

• Do I keep trying and keep hiding who I really am and what I like?
  I can't imagine going on like this much longer and certainly not forever...
• Do I try harder and give up who I am?
  How do I stop being me without dying on the inside?
• Do I stop trying and stop caring about what she thinks and start living for me?
  I can't not care, I don't know how to turn off feelings. I'd feel like a horrible person for abandoning a depressed person and a terrible daughter for turning my back on my mother... 

I came up with a plan a while ago. It was a way to get permission (or at least understanding) to move out, by making an offer she wouldn't be able to refuse. It covered what mother wants and what I want, creating a win win situation. I got feedback on it from several people and it is indeed a very fair, reasonable deal. I was excited and hopeful about it, ready to grow some adult balls, sit with my parents and talk to them like a mature person would and hope for the best outcome!
But after an odd fight/discussion with my mother (that occurred while writing this) my hope is crushed. She somehow managed to mentioned almost everything I had included in my deal, while making it clear that her opinion is that I do nothing to make anything better and it got clear to me that everything I thought was reasonable, isn't.
It made me sad and angry and it's when I feel that way, that I want get away from here the most. But I don't want to run away. I don't want to do things or make decisions out of spite or anger. But I can't stay on this roller coaster any longer either...

5 years

It's been 5 years (+1 day) since I started this blog. Time flew by. And the fact that I'm writing right now only means that, at least for this day, not a single fucking thing has changed. I still can't do shit on new year's eve and again I feel shitty and lame enough to write a post.

I hate new year's eve. I really fucking do. Every year, for no particular reason, I feel like hell and I want to do something, but I feel to cranky to enjoy anything.

My family, including my brother (whom with I still live in the same house), is gathered in a city that's a two hour car drive away from where I am. My parents are antisocialites and go to sleep around 00:30. The rest of my family is ehm, not on the same page as I am, so to me they are boring or lame.

I can't go to my friends, because my parents don't find that appropriate. I can't go to parties -including public/open air celebrations- either, cause that's dangerous and also inappropriate.

So, I sit in my room, at my computer, just like I do every other night. Only now, no one is online and I only get to see posts and pics about new year.

And when I think '2011' nothing special comes to mind

It makes me feel like a pathetic, lonely shit.

The year I started skateboarding.
The year I got my first job.
The year I started studying.
The year my confidence had a major peak.
The year I realized I'll never not be depressed completely.
The year I knew I'll never -really- fit in. Anywhere.
The year I didn't cave when it came to crushes.
The year I realized I wasn't as strong as I thought I was and I have to work on that.
The year I figured out my passions.

A billion interests

It feels like everyone expects everyone to specialize in just one thing. Anything additional can never exceed the mere 'hobby' title. Or, they have to be in different areas so they can be combined. Like sports and acting or art and technology or something like that. But no more than a few things and you will never really excell at either of them!

I find this common thought to be VERY annoying. You see, I have lots of passions. Those things are more than hobbies! Friends tell me I have too much ambitions, but how is that even possible?! Okay, sure it's possible, but it's better than having none at all!

I love art, I love sports, I love writing, I love nature, I love the mysteries of life; including human beings, the human mind, astrology, astronomy and many more things, I love puzzles and assembling Ikea products, I love dancing, I love people, I love being creative, I love inventing stuff...

Why, if Leonardo DaVinci was so well known, respected and looked up against for his versatility, do people discourage it so? :/

Decluttering plan

After seperating most of the stuff I own, I realized I'm not the only hoarder in the house. We have so much crap in this place! And being the youngest (I live with my parents and brother) it feels weird that I'm the one taking notice and actually doing something about it. Usually it's a parent, isn't it?

People are always on about not having enough space, but those very same people probably also never have enough anything. Not enough clothes, not enough shoes, not enough purses, food, new electronics/gadgets etc. Well, you can always earn more money, so you can pay for more space and then earn some more money and get some more stuff and then keep doing that over and over again!

Or you break the vicious circle and start an uplifting spiral!
Get rid of stuff
--> have less to worry about > have more rest/peace at mind > more time to spend and think about things that you enjoy or that actually matter to you
--> have more space > have more room to do things > move more > get healthier?
--> out of sight, out of mind > the neatness of no clutter will calm you down in a way you probably didn't even know you were stressed about

And so forth.
Anyway, here is my plan:

1. Pick two rooms.
   One with a lot of room, that you use frequently (like the livingroom) and one you don't really "use". Everybody has one. Whether you store stuff in it or put all your crap in; you don't really use it. You don't go in there like for a long time, just to grab or dump something.
   
2. Empty and divide.
   Get everything out of the unused room (will be refered to as crap-room from now on) and put it in the big room.
   Now go through all of the stuff and seperate it into piles:
   
   • Keeps: anything you really use/need on a daily basis or frequently (e.g. at parties), important papers, stuff with REAL memories/sentimental value etc.
   • Non-keeps: to sell, give away, donate, gifts
   • Throw away/Recycle: evident. Actually throw away/recycle at the end of your tidying session.
   • Don't know/Maybe: try not to create this pile at all, but if you do; keep it as small as possible by deciding right away.
   There's need to subdivide them right away, but if you want/can; it's only easier. If you have large things you want to get rid of, like furniture, just mark it (e.g. with an easily removable sticker)
   
3. Re-place.
   Put all the stuff that you're not going to keep in the crap-room. (Try to) give everything you're going to keep a place right away ór leave it in the big room.
4. Continue.
   Now you go on to the next room and repeat step 2 and 3. Only now, you put everything you're going to keep back in the original room (except if it doesn't belong there, of course) instead of leaving it in the big room (if that's what you did previously). Go through every room, cabinet, closet, box, storage space etc. and put all the non-keeps in the non-keeps room.
5. Get your hands dirty.
   If you haven't already subdivided the crap, do that now.
   
   • Put everything you're going to donate in a bag or box or something and put it somewhere in your way, so that you don't forget it. Also put it on your to do list, in your planner, on your calendar or anywhere else to remind yourself. OR just go and get rid of it right away.
     
   • Contact people. Make one-on-one appointments with people you have gifts to give to. Also organise a 'give away party': have people come over to take your crap away to their home. Also let them know about the stuff you want to sell; you might just get rid of some stuff right away!
     
   • Make appointments with second hand (furniture) stores. Alternatively, you can take pictures of everything you want to sell and put it online (ebay?).
     
6. Redo your home.
   Now, you own your stuff again, instead of being posessed by your stuff. Now you can make your house back into a home.

~! WARNING !~
This usually takes much longer than it sounds.
It can take weeks, but more likely months or perhaps even years.

The redoing of le room.

So, I've FINALLY built up enough courage and suspense and mental preparation to do this. My room is le changing!

To do this, I got everything out of my gigantic desk, which I had been using as a storage space. Another reason I emptied it, is because I plan on getting rid of it. In the seven years of having it, I've never used it in it's intended purpose. That is, until a couple of weeks ago, after it was completely empty, of course.

The gutted beast:

And all of my stuff, also things from outside of my room (except clothing and footwear), is on the floor, neatly stacked up and put against the walls. Yes walls. Plural.

Piles of stuffs against walls:

Right now I'm deviding everything into other piles; keeps and non-keeps. Most sites and people suggest three piles: keep, throw away, give away. But since I recycle and I don't have a magic recyclebin in my room that will take everything to its destined container, I'm not really going to make a throw away pile. Everything that's actually trash goes right into the bin anyway and everything that's not trash and I'm not keeping has some sort of destination. Whether it be a book I need to return to a friend; CDRoms from my old high school; game devices/electronics I know a certain store will appreciate; toys nieces and nephews might like; paper or plastic that needs to be recyled; things I'm going to sell or whatever else: it all has some sort of destination.

----------------------------------------------------------

I just realized how much Holland takes after Uncie SAmerica. How they have baseball cards, we have soccercards. Oyea. I found some in my room, though I never collected them (my mother gets them when she goes groceryshopping).
I also found a thin stack of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards, which I also never collected. And a thick pile of Pokémon cards. Never collected those either (I'm not much of a card-collector, can you tell? I always saw right through the scam), but I got them from a friend back in elementary school. I'm happier to have them now than I was back then, cause my Pokémon fan-ness has grown considerably.

Cards

Even though I'm not a card-collector, I did/do collect the most ridiculous stuff. I just found a little tin with a couple of soap bars in it. That's right: SOAP BARS. And you might think; eh, sure whatever? But I remember actually wanting to collect soapies. How is that not the most dumb thing you've ever heard?! And yet I feel a part of myself being insulted right now, trying to justify it, but I'm not even going to listen to the stupid things it has to say. I usually do, but no. Not this time. STFU BRAIN, YOU'RE INSANE! I'm just glad I didn't somehow find (cause I wouldn't actually go out and buy it of course) any more random soap or it actually might have continued to become a real collection.

Random soap:

And I have a collection of bags. And I don't mean purse-bags or backpacks or something, I mean bags like, grocery shoppers or shopping bags from stores. And bunch of old broken pens and other stuff that's actually junk. But I'm thinking of a way to turn them into art somehow.

The reason I can't just throw it away is that I don't think people hoard for no reason. The thought I've heard everyone has is "I might use it some day!" or something along those lines. Well, since no opportunity has arisen on it's own, I'll make it happen. Unfortunately I'm not an inventor, so I can't make the stuff into something useful, but the least I can do is turn it into art. It'll be quite a big project and I feel the excitement about it bubbling inside me, though my mind is still blank as to what I can make of it.

I have a ridiculous lot of magazines (although I've heard of much much worse magazine-keepers). Those too will become a project.
----------------------------------------------------------

I just found some random 'dare' cards I made years ago.
- Keep your eyes open as long as possible.
- Pick someone. Do whatever they dare you to do.
- Do a summersault.
- Do a bridge (backbend).
- Make monkey sounds.
- Lose a game on purpose.
- Get tickled. Do you laugh? You fail: do another dare.
- Do any kind of split or get another dare.
- Do a handstand or get another dare.
- Act like a fish
- Real quickly name 6 animals
- Bonus: get as much clutter from the house in 2 minutes.

Here, I'll do the first one:

----------------------------------------------------------
I'm getting there, little by little. I'm definitely realizing the importance of quick execution. And I don't just mean deciding something quickly, but also in the sense of 'getting rid of' something quickly. Because, the longer you still have something around, the bigger the chance is that you'll rethink it and get back at your descision. I should get rid of all this stuff asap.

Most of the stuff I want to keep is for the treasure chest I'm going to purchase. It's all a bunch of memorabilia and stuff I don't really have any use for, but can't get rid of either: diplomas, certificates, my elementary school graduation stuff, my babybook, old pasports and cards (passes), pictures, letters and cards (greeting cards), certain gifts, old school projects/papers (cause I'm an emotional duntz; I can't get rid of it), school organisers/planners/diaries/journals/whatever you want to call it, 'friend books'... Actually pretty much anything I can't, won't or is too valueble to hang up on my wall!

My wall the last time I took a picture of it:

----------------------------------------------------------

I have come quite far today! To any unknowing eye it will probably seem like I only moved some stuff around and made a bunch of piles of crap into a less high mess. But I know exactly what's what. The only problem I'm having is figuring out where to keep the stuff for future-projects.

I don't really want to stop, but I'm kinda walking into a wall here. I might continue after a little break, maybe it'll go better after I eat some and watch some of my downloads.